TO: All Imperial Staff; Viper 43 Outpost
FROM: Cmdr. Galen Hartwhig; Personal Secretary, Office Of Adm. Bevitz
RE: 3rd Floor Men's Bathroom
CC: Adm. Bevitz; Vice Adm. Piett; Moff Yturi
ATTENTION:
This announcement is to inform all Imperial staff and military personnel that the men's bathroom on the 3rd floor was declared off limits due to repairs, yet upon inspection this morning it was found to have been disturbed by an obvious intruder as some sort of hair was all over the place, along with ammunition cartridges for a Blas-Tech pistol, a black boot, and piece of blue velvet.
If you or anyone you know has any information or knowledge regarding the identity of the intruders, you are hereby ordered to immediately inform your commanding officer who will inform Admiral Bevitz's Office to set up an interview.
As per Imperial Military Regulations, Article 2, Section 3, Paragraphs 2-26, the contents of this memo and any information, regarding or pertaining to it or its contents contained therein, is classified and any dissemination of this information will result in termination of, up to and including, life.
Cmdr. Galen Hartwhig
May 16, 2018
May 15, 2018
Things More Reliable Than A Toyota
Feel free to insert whichever auto manufacturer you hate instead of Toyota. They're all horrible, save for your personal preference. Either way, the following are highly more reliable than whichever piece of shit brand vehicle you've chosen.
Family members utterly disappointing you
Clothing and shoes from Walmart
Finding fecal matter in any and all swimming pools
Pubescent boys finding porn.
Hulk Hogan not losing in the squared circle.
R. Kelly using one of his alleged female sex slaves as a urinal.
Family members utterly disappointing you
Clothing and shoes from Walmart
Finding fecal matter in any and all swimming pools
Pubescent boys finding porn.
Hulk Hogan not losing in the squared circle.
R. Kelly using one of his alleged female sex slaves as a urinal.
May 14, 2018
POETRY CORNER For May 14
Another Weeknight
Orange and square
Pants say "Hey dair!"
Citrus magic sweets on fire
Unicycle needs a new tire
The beer is gone
And the heat is on
Skunky and drunky
Damn, he's lucky
Burnt cigar nub lies
In circles the tortilla flies
Can't feel the jingle
The antacids do tingle
The weed is gone
And the heat is on
Time droops really long
Passed out on the lawn
Orange and square
Pants say "Hey dair!"
Citrus magic sweets on fire
Unicycle needs a new tire
The beer is gone
And the heat is on
Skunky and drunky
Damn, he's lucky
Burnt cigar nub lies
In circles the tortilla flies
Can't feel the jingle
The antacids do tingle
The weed is gone
And the heat is on
Time droops really long
Passed out on the lawn
May 9, 2018
Milking Rats
Was told to eat rat jizz the other day. I suppose it was given as an insult, but personally, I'm confused. 1) How the hell do you "eat" rat jizz? I mean, I can imagine drinking it, but eating it? Does rat jizz have chunks which need chewing that I don't know about? 2) How many rats would one need to jerk off in order for me to have enough rat jizz to eat? Of course, I don't know too many people willing to pleasure a rat to orgasm, even if using a tweezers, so the amount needed for me to actually "eat" it is astronomical. And who has the time in our busy modern world to spend effort getting rats to jizz so I can eat it?
Also, I would like to point out this person, in his insult, did not specify if the "eating" of the rat jizz was forced or voluntary. Because I doubt I will ever "eat" rat jizz on a voluntary basis. I'll pick poop boogers out of my infant nephew's ass on a voluntary basis for I'll eat rat jizz on a voluntary one. What? You don't know what poop boogers are? Well, I'd explain, but there's a good chance you could be eating, and I don't want to get sued for you choking on your food as you try and expel it out of disgust at the description of a poop booger. And something tells me, bringing up the whole eating rat jizz thing has already gotten you grossed out.
I guess next time someone tells me to go eat rat jizz, I'll at least put in the effort into inquiring the details and logistics as to how said feat is to be accomplished. Because I sure as hell ain't going to be buying people tickets to New York City just so they can go male rat milking. Oh, God. Someone in NYC is going to turn this into a legitimate business enterprise now, aren't they?
Also, I would like to point out this person, in his insult, did not specify if the "eating" of the rat jizz was forced or voluntary. Because I doubt I will ever "eat" rat jizz on a voluntary basis. I'll pick poop boogers out of my infant nephew's ass on a voluntary basis for I'll eat rat jizz on a voluntary one. What? You don't know what poop boogers are? Well, I'd explain, but there's a good chance you could be eating, and I don't want to get sued for you choking on your food as you try and expel it out of disgust at the description of a poop booger. And something tells me, bringing up the whole eating rat jizz thing has already gotten you grossed out.
I guess next time someone tells me to go eat rat jizz, I'll at least put in the effort into inquiring the details and logistics as to how said feat is to be accomplished. Because I sure as hell ain't going to be buying people tickets to New York City just so they can go male rat milking. Oh, God. Someone in NYC is going to turn this into a legitimate business enterprise now, aren't they?
POETRY CORNER For May 9
Your lies tear me apart
Do you have no heart?
I just wanted to believe
And even perhaps achieve
But you lied, I cried
And now here we are
Fuck you, commercial
May 7, 2018
OVERHEARD: Public Idiots Edition
Just to be completely clear due to legal reasons, the following quotes were not said by those attributed. This is a comedy piece and if you can't understand that, I hope you kill yourself. And yes, all of this was written in anger, aiming low, as all these subjects listed are hypocrites who don't deserve life. And no, I won't apologize.
"I'll gladly call out David Letterman for something he didn't necessarily have control over, but I'm going to remain silent on the problems at the news division of the network I worked at and with for over a decade." -Tina Fey
"Well, now that's it been a decade, I think I can safely say choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate was a stupid choice and is the reason God gave me brain cancer." -John McCain
"Trump wants to make America Fascist, then fine! We'll make America Marxist even though we have no clue as to what his actual philosophies were because, like Republicans, we don't read before we start spewing shit from our mouths." -Democrats and Liberals
"What do you get when you glue fruit leather to over-inflated volleyballs and let Julian Assange fuck it? Your mother!" -Tommy Lee to his son Brandon
"Man, I think this whole lying for the President thing is really distracting people from how hideously ugly and fat I am." -Sarah Huckabee Sanders
"I'll gladly call out David Letterman for something he didn't necessarily have control over, but I'm going to remain silent on the problems at the news division of the network I worked at and with for over a decade." -Tina Fey
"Well, now that's it been a decade, I think I can safely say choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate was a stupid choice and is the reason God gave me brain cancer." -John McCain
"Trump wants to make America Fascist, then fine! We'll make America Marxist even though we have no clue as to what his actual philosophies were because, like Republicans, we don't read before we start spewing shit from our mouths." -Democrats and Liberals
"What do you get when you glue fruit leather to over-inflated volleyballs and let Julian Assange fuck it? Your mother!" -Tommy Lee to his son Brandon
"Man, I think this whole lying for the President thing is really distracting people from how hideously ugly and fat I am." -Sarah Huckabee Sanders
May 5, 2018
Mother's Day Gifts For Those Who Hate Their Mother
It's that time of year again. Mother's Day, or the time of year when those of us with mommy issues grumble under our breath in order to not get chastised. Being one of those persons, I decided to come up with a list of things someone who hates their mother would give. So, here are some free gift ideas, legalities of such ideas notwithstanding.
Scat Porn
Include a note about how you have more respect for the people getting shit on than for her or her existence as a human.
Dead Rabbit
She's your Bill The Butcher.
Cyanide Pills
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and she'll take the suggestion.
Parenting Books
It's technically never to late for her to learn!
Restraining Order
Seriously, what other document besides divorce papers can bring a family closer together?
Scat Porn
Include a note about how you have more respect for the people getting shit on than for her or her existence as a human.
Dead Rabbit
She's your Bill The Butcher.
Cyanide Pills
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and she'll take the suggestion.
Parenting Books
It's technically never to late for her to learn!
Restraining Order
Seriously, what other document besides divorce papers can bring a family closer together?
May 4, 2018
RANDOM THOUGHTS: Tiny Dancer Hands
All these people singing about dancing in the street when I don't see no dancing in the street. I see a dead squirrel in the street, but no dancing. Dead squirrel certainly isn't dancing seeing as he's dead and all. I mean, who is dancing in the street? And seems like kind of a stupid thing to do. Especially when there's traffic. Unless, say, it's David Bowie and Mick Jagger shooting a really bad music video for the song they're covering. Then traffic would probably come to a standstill as everyone wonders when David and Mick began dating. If you think that joke was better than the one Family Guy did on the same subject, please send me money.
Think Bill Cosby will even get the luxury of being offered drugs to pass out before he's raped in prison? And why has no one brought up the possibility of Cosby's son getting murdered due to all the raping America's Dad had been doing? Like, why is that not a conspiracy yet? Geez, no wonder The X-Files relaunch bombed. Conspiracy theorists are being forced into nihilism and apathy as the tidal wave of bullshit craziness that is actual reality drowns them.
Fuck May 4th being Star Wars Day just because it's fucking punny. No, Star Wars Day was and shall forever be May 25th. Because it was on that date in 1977 a nerd from San Francisco unleashed the behemoth which almost literally killed him. The first May 4th which happened after Star Wars originally released was in 1978. And even then it hadn't been out a full year yet. Is my nitpicking annoying you, ruing your May The Fourth Be With You celebration? Good! Because today is Cinco de Cuatro, you stupid idiots.
Think Bill Cosby will even get the luxury of being offered drugs to pass out before he's raped in prison? And why has no one brought up the possibility of Cosby's son getting murdered due to all the raping America's Dad had been doing? Like, why is that not a conspiracy yet? Geez, no wonder The X-Files relaunch bombed. Conspiracy theorists are being forced into nihilism and apathy as the tidal wave of bullshit craziness that is actual reality drowns them.
Fuck May 4th being Star Wars Day just because it's fucking punny. No, Star Wars Day was and shall forever be May 25th. Because it was on that date in 1977 a nerd from San Francisco unleashed the behemoth which almost literally killed him. The first May 4th which happened after Star Wars originally released was in 1978. And even then it hadn't been out a full year yet. Is my nitpicking annoying you, ruing your May The Fourth Be With You celebration? Good! Because today is Cinco de Cuatro, you stupid idiots.
Summer Driving Tips
It's that time of year. We're on the cusp of summer, which means spending hours stuck in a cramped vehicle with people who are only tolerable in small doses, yet now here you are on a one-week "vacation" with them. So before you go out on the road this summer, here are some driving tips to keep in mind.
If you're going to run someone over, try and make sure it's an obese person as this makes it easier to convince the insurance company you just hit a large animal.
Braking with your left foot is a good way to fuck with the tailgater riding your ass.
When passing through a construction zone, refrain from sexually harassing the construction workers.
Litter on backroads, not highways.
The best time to practice defensive driving maneuvers is while traveling at eighty on the interstate.
If you don't have enough room for the kids, just stuff one into the trunk--in a car seat as safety comes first.
Only drive drunk if your passengers are 21 years of age or older.
Drive aggressive, but not too aggressive--I don't know, drive casually!
If you're going to run someone over, try and make sure it's an obese person as this makes it easier to convince the insurance company you just hit a large animal.
Braking with your left foot is a good way to fuck with the tailgater riding your ass.
When passing through a construction zone, refrain from sexually harassing the construction workers.
Litter on backroads, not highways.
The best time to practice defensive driving maneuvers is while traveling at eighty on the interstate.
If you don't have enough room for the kids, just stuff one into the trunk--in a car seat as safety comes first.
For the best fuel economy, remember to fill up every fifteen minutes.
And remember, in order to reach your destination sooner, that all traffic signs and signals are nothing more than mere suggestions and not actually codified law.
TV Shows Canceled This Month
This Is Pus
No one is quite sure how this series even got the green light, let alone managing to air twenty-six episodes over the span of two seasons. But hey, people are still willing to watch a Jersey Shore show after all these years, so it shouldn't be hard to imagine that there are people willing to watch zits and cysts getting popped. But, it is now canceled. So, at least America is only teetering on the brink of the apocalypse instead of being knee-deep in it.
The Drinking Hunger Games
While the concept was awesome--pitting a group of redneck red staters versus a group hipster douchebag blue staters with their only resources being booze and guns--the results ended up being murder charges, lawsuits, and charges CNN finally went too far.
Animal Farm Lovin'
It was neither a children's show nor an Orwellian allegory. Yup.
Digging For Gold
One man's desperate and emotional struggle to pick a booger lodged far up his nose didn't draw the ratings like the executives hoped. Probably didn't help matters when the writers dropped several subplots including ones about toenail clippings and extracting compacted earwax.
Naked Cooking: The Return
Canceled due to the hosts now being in the intensive care burn ward due to an incident following hot oil and exposed genitals. Still, there were high hopes for this sequel series to the late 90's Food Network hit. But alas, OSHA violations have prevented this from going beyond four episodes.
No one is quite sure how this series even got the green light, let alone managing to air twenty-six episodes over the span of two seasons. But hey, people are still willing to watch a Jersey Shore show after all these years, so it shouldn't be hard to imagine that there are people willing to watch zits and cysts getting popped. But, it is now canceled. So, at least America is only teetering on the brink of the apocalypse instead of being knee-deep in it.
The Drinking Hunger Games
While the concept was awesome--pitting a group of redneck red staters versus a group hipster douchebag blue staters with their only resources being booze and guns--the results ended up being murder charges, lawsuits, and charges CNN finally went too far.
Animal Farm Lovin'
It was neither a children's show nor an Orwellian allegory. Yup.
Digging For Gold
One man's desperate and emotional struggle to pick a booger lodged far up his nose didn't draw the ratings like the executives hoped. Probably didn't help matters when the writers dropped several subplots including ones about toenail clippings and extracting compacted earwax.
Naked Cooking: The Return
Canceled due to the hosts now being in the intensive care burn ward due to an incident following hot oil and exposed genitals. Still, there were high hopes for this sequel series to the late 90's Food Network hit. But alas, OSHA violations have prevented this from going beyond four episodes.
Things White People Confuse About Nefarious Groups Of Coloreds
Racial profiling has gotten a lot of attention recently, and while I'm not going to get into the argument of it, it has made me wonder, as an Asian, i.e. non-white, colored person, what exactly white people are seeing in groups of two or more colored people together that gives them the impression of nefariousness, causing the police to be called on innocent bystanders. So, did something the news media doesn't do anymore and did some investigating and interviewing. Here's what I found.
"Well, when black people gather in groups, it looks like a group of pumas assembling in the jungle, preparing to pounce and attack us poor white gazelles." - Jennifer, AZ
"Man, I don't care if two Chinese people get together. I'm just saying they should put down Mao's Little Red Book and be making me some kung pao chicken instead." - Robert, MA
"Oh, God, every time we see Native Americans together, we just assume they're plotting to kill us all and take back their land." - Clark and Melanie, NY
"No, I don't trust Jews or those Indians with the dots 'cause of all the cow-worshipping. Nuh-uh, the Jews did too worship a cow! It's in the Bible!" - Jim Bob, TN
"I just think it's time now that we've appropriated their food culture, we kick the Latinos out of the country. I'm confident a white woman from Connecticut can make a better burrito than a rapist and murderer." - Hillary, IA
"How do we know those Muslim sand people aren't carrying bombs under their turbans and veils when they're together in groups?" - Donald, WY
"Yeah, I'd be less likely to call the cops on Asians. They at least like white rice instead of brown rice." -Tammy, GA
So, the lesson learned from interviewing white people from both sides of the political aisle reveals the same holds true in 2018 as it does in 2008: white Americans won't call the police on you, and may even elect you President, as long as you're a half-breed colored person with at least 33.3% white ancestry.
"Well, when black people gather in groups, it looks like a group of pumas assembling in the jungle, preparing to pounce and attack us poor white gazelles." - Jennifer, AZ
"Man, I don't care if two Chinese people get together. I'm just saying they should put down Mao's Little Red Book and be making me some kung pao chicken instead." - Robert, MA
"Oh, God, every time we see Native Americans together, we just assume they're plotting to kill us all and take back their land." - Clark and Melanie, NY
"No, I don't trust Jews or those Indians with the dots 'cause of all the cow-worshipping. Nuh-uh, the Jews did too worship a cow! It's in the Bible!" - Jim Bob, TN
"I just think it's time now that we've appropriated their food culture, we kick the Latinos out of the country. I'm confident a white woman from Connecticut can make a better burrito than a rapist and murderer." - Hillary, IA
"How do we know those Muslim sand people aren't carrying bombs under their turbans and veils when they're together in groups?" - Donald, WY
"Yeah, I'd be less likely to call the cops on Asians. They at least like white rice instead of brown rice." -Tammy, GA
So, the lesson learned from interviewing white people from both sides of the political aisle reveals the same holds true in 2018 as it does in 2008: white Americans won't call the police on you, and may even elect you President, as long as you're a half-breed colored person with at least 33.3% white ancestry.
May 3, 2018
RANDOM HEADLINES For May 3
Kanye Proclaims He Would've Been The Slave Master
Dinner Is Served With Asparagus
Starbucks To Start Discrimination Against Other Races
Local Dealer Substitutes Cocaine With Antacids
Kenny G, Missing Since 1990's, Returns
GM, Ford, Chrysler Invest In All Plastic Sedans
Jack The Ripper Unprepared For Anniversary
Dinner Is Served With Asparagus
Starbucks To Start Discrimination Against Other Races
Local Dealer Substitutes Cocaine With Antacids
Kenny G, Missing Since 1990's, Returns
GM, Ford, Chrysler Invest In All Plastic Sedans
Jack The Ripper Unprepared For Anniversary
OVERHEARD: Telling Off The Mountain
"Make sure you buy some dip for that chip on your shoulder."
"I wish I could be Employee Of The Month. But I don't want to make all my coworkers feel worse about themselves for an entire month."
"That's noble of you."
"I know, right?"
"So, if Jack Daniels sponsors the team, will their name change to the Tennessee Whiskey Titans?"
"You haven't lived until you've been chased by rabid frogs."
"What the hell?"
"I'm grunting. All the top tennis coaches are now teaching proper grunting technique. How's mine?"
"You sound constipated."
"Sweet, I'll let my coach know I'm ready for level three."
"I wish I could be Employee Of The Month. But I don't want to make all my coworkers feel worse about themselves for an entire month."
"That's noble of you."
"I know, right?"
"So, if Jack Daniels sponsors the team, will their name change to the Tennessee Whiskey Titans?"
"You haven't lived until you've been chased by rabid frogs."
"What the hell?"
"I'm grunting. All the top tennis coaches are now teaching proper grunting technique. How's mine?"
"You sound constipated."
"Sweet, I'll let my coach know I'm ready for level three."
May 2, 2018
Downsides Of Being The Chosen One
Well, looks like some wise old, creepy man came out of the woodwork from Timbuktu and placed the idea in your head that you're the Chosen One. Okay, sure, we'll overlook the fact you were never chosen to play Red Rover in elementary school and just go with this. Now that you're the Chosen One who I'm assuming is going to save us all, there are some things you need to know before you embark on your quest to save whatever the fuck needs saving. Being the Chosen One ain't no easy, soft, tender piece of cake, bub. For example:
-- Every time you dine out with friends, you get stuck with the tab because heroes are supposed to also make monetary sacrifices.
-- Dumb little kids think you can drop what you're doing to save their pet or dying parent or whatever.
-- When you go on talk shows, you're always asked the question as to whether you might turn all evil and shit like Anakin Skywalker.
-- Your cherished mentor dies before updating his will and now you have to fight his bastard child for the right to keep your awesome sword.
-- Being the Chosen One is still not enough to get you free board even at a flea-infested, hourly-rate motel.
-- Your romantic love interest will probably leave you at some point after your success at whatever it was to win 'em over, so he or she can go and shack up with your best friend.
-- People will be grateful you saved their lives. They'll be less grateful for all the property damage it took to accomplish that goal.
-- You'll have to learn shit extremely fast, like kung fu, because the plot demands it.
-- People will always refer to your walking around as "questing."
-- And no, just because you're the Chosen One, doesn't mean anyone's going to be any more willing to wipe your butt for you.
-- Every time you dine out with friends, you get stuck with the tab because heroes are supposed to also make monetary sacrifices.
-- Dumb little kids think you can drop what you're doing to save their pet or dying parent or whatever.
-- When you go on talk shows, you're always asked the question as to whether you might turn all evil and shit like Anakin Skywalker.
-- Your cherished mentor dies before updating his will and now you have to fight his bastard child for the right to keep your awesome sword.
-- Being the Chosen One is still not enough to get you free board even at a flea-infested, hourly-rate motel.
-- Your romantic love interest will probably leave you at some point after your success at whatever it was to win 'em over, so he or she can go and shack up with your best friend.
-- People will be grateful you saved their lives. They'll be less grateful for all the property damage it took to accomplish that goal.
-- You'll have to learn shit extremely fast, like kung fu, because the plot demands it.
-- People will always refer to your walking around as "questing."
-- And no, just because you're the Chosen One, doesn't mean anyone's going to be any more willing to wipe your butt for you.
What Else Has Dr. Ronny Jackson Been Dispensing?
Government weed, claiming it is with Jeff Sessions' authorization
Pamphlets on eugenics
Illegal Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis prescriptions for members of Congress
Unauthorized White House branded condoms and lubricant
Falsely obtained "clean piss" for federal employees
Marlboro Reds for chest colds
Copies of Mein Kampf and The Art Of The Deal
Candy to diabetics due to kickbacks from the candy companies
Pamphlets on eugenics
Illegal Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis prescriptions for members of Congress
Unauthorized White House branded condoms and lubricant
Falsely obtained "clean piss" for federal employees
Marlboro Reds for chest colds
Copies of Mein Kampf and The Art Of The Deal
Candy to diabetics due to kickbacks from the candy companies
May 1, 2018
PUBLIC NOTICE 64
The Political Correctness Police have declared that the term "cotton pickin'" can no longer be said by anyone of any racial or ethnic background due to its racist connotation.
Also, due to offense taken by marijuana dealers nationwide, the term "nickel and dime" can no longer be used as it "gives the perception of ditch weed."
Also, due to offense taken by marijuana dealers nationwide, the term "nickel and dime" can no longer be used as it "gives the perception of ditch weed."
POETRY CORNER For May 1
Love solves all
Love answers all
"What's love got to do with it?"
Tina Turner knows her shit
Lesser Known Comic Books To Reach Issue 1000
Superman recently turned 80 along with his "flagship" comic book Action Comics reaching issue number 1000. Sure, there's some fuzzy math involved in how it reached that number, just like you need fuzzy math for Batman's Detective Comics to reach issue 1000 next year.
So, in honor of such momentous occasions--because let's face it, next time any of us currently living as this is being written ain't gonna be around to see such an event again, well, unless Marvel decides to get really cagey with issue numbering in one of their numerous relaunches--some digging was done and believe it or not, there are other comic books who managed to reach issue 1000.
Pumaman
Yes, based on the acclaimed action movie the guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 couldn't stop talking about. The people clamored for more Pumaman, and like fans of Buffy, had to settle for a comic book adaptation exploring Pumaman's further adventures. Only reason this comic book made it to issue 1000 is because people assumed it was some sort of multi-purpose, disposable wipe for dealing with pet poop.
Sgt. Marcus' Murderous Maniacs
What started as a cheap ripoff of Sgt. Fury And His Howling Commandos soon turned into a deep, dark, complex examination of the Vietnam War. Basically mix up Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Born On The Fourth Of July, Heaven And Earth, Apocalypse Now, and The Deer Hunter and you got what this comic turned into. So, not too kid friendly. Apparently old people loved it like Fox News though, which is why it reached issue 1000. Hippie, peace-loving, baby boomer readership dropped considerably after issue 485 when Sgt. Marcus and his men massacred some of natives in a controversial storyline.
Earthscape: Space Quest
No one quite knows how this comic book published so many issues with nonexistent plotlines, empty shells for characters, and artwork which looked like it had been produced by Kubert School rejects. Still, it had an audience for some reason like Nickelback or Adam Sandler's shitty movies. Most comic book historians just chalk it up to gluteus maximus cerebellus, i.e. having one's head up one's ass.
Tobacco Town
Ah, yes. The now controversial comic book sponsored by Lorillard Tobacco about a small American town which subsists on tobacco farming and who is constantly at odds with neighboring town, Zealotville, where anti-tobacco crazies attempt to crush Tobacco Town every chance they get. Yes, somehow this weird, metaphorical town rivalry ran a thousand issues due to being given away to kids with a free pack of cigarettes. A very Draper thing to do.
Whitechapel Horror Weekly
Originally started as a weekly update on the Jack The Ripper murders for the aristocrats, but eventually evolved into a macabre menagerie of mayhem even Bill Gaines would smile upon once the Ripper murders dried up. Jack may have moved on, but the publishers couldn't, not when one of them had sold off two and half of his children to help launch the enterprise. So, continue the Whitechapel Horror Weekly or starve. And it's when it received a reboot, now pandering to the lower classes and including more lewd comics and drawings, Whitechapel Horror Weekly's sales increased five fold. It remained popular for almost a hundred years. However, by the late 1970's, sales were in a tailspin and it was decided to ride it out until the hundredth anniversary of the Ripper murders. Well, the poor bastards didn't make it as they had to shut down after issue 1002. The last issue included a comic featuring Margaret Thatcher in compromising positions with dead farm animals and referring to her as Lady Hatchet.
So, in honor of such momentous occasions--because let's face it, next time any of us currently living as this is being written ain't gonna be around to see such an event again, well, unless Marvel decides to get really cagey with issue numbering in one of their numerous relaunches--some digging was done and believe it or not, there are other comic books who managed to reach issue 1000.
Pumaman
Yes, based on the acclaimed action movie the guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 couldn't stop talking about. The people clamored for more Pumaman, and like fans of Buffy, had to settle for a comic book adaptation exploring Pumaman's further adventures. Only reason this comic book made it to issue 1000 is because people assumed it was some sort of multi-purpose, disposable wipe for dealing with pet poop.
Sgt. Marcus' Murderous Maniacs
What started as a cheap ripoff of Sgt. Fury And His Howling Commandos soon turned into a deep, dark, complex examination of the Vietnam War. Basically mix up Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Born On The Fourth Of July, Heaven And Earth, Apocalypse Now, and The Deer Hunter and you got what this comic turned into. So, not too kid friendly. Apparently old people loved it like Fox News though, which is why it reached issue 1000. Hippie, peace-loving, baby boomer readership dropped considerably after issue 485 when Sgt. Marcus and his men massacred some of natives in a controversial storyline.
Earthscape: Space Quest
No one quite knows how this comic book published so many issues with nonexistent plotlines, empty shells for characters, and artwork which looked like it had been produced by Kubert School rejects. Still, it had an audience for some reason like Nickelback or Adam Sandler's shitty movies. Most comic book historians just chalk it up to gluteus maximus cerebellus, i.e. having one's head up one's ass.
Tobacco Town
Ah, yes. The now controversial comic book sponsored by Lorillard Tobacco about a small American town which subsists on tobacco farming and who is constantly at odds with neighboring town, Zealotville, where anti-tobacco crazies attempt to crush Tobacco Town every chance they get. Yes, somehow this weird, metaphorical town rivalry ran a thousand issues due to being given away to kids with a free pack of cigarettes. A very Draper thing to do.
Whitechapel Horror Weekly
Originally started as a weekly update on the Jack The Ripper murders for the aristocrats, but eventually evolved into a macabre menagerie of mayhem even Bill Gaines would smile upon once the Ripper murders dried up. Jack may have moved on, but the publishers couldn't, not when one of them had sold off two and half of his children to help launch the enterprise. So, continue the Whitechapel Horror Weekly or starve. And it's when it received a reboot, now pandering to the lower classes and including more lewd comics and drawings, Whitechapel Horror Weekly's sales increased five fold. It remained popular for almost a hundred years. However, by the late 1970's, sales were in a tailspin and it was decided to ride it out until the hundredth anniversary of the Ripper murders. Well, the poor bastards didn't make it as they had to shut down after issue 1002. The last issue included a comic featuring Margaret Thatcher in compromising positions with dead farm animals and referring to her as Lady Hatchet.
April 30, 2018
Better Speakers For The WHCD Than Comedians
As you've probably heard by now, the 2018 White House Correspondents' Dinner was another rousing shit show. To avoid a politically stupid epileptic tirade like both President Trump and the fake news, I'll just say I did some thinking and came up with some other candidates to speak at next year's event who aren't comedians. Which at this point is a good thing since this shithole country can neither tell a good offensive joke, nor take one. Well, neither can I, which you will soon witness.
Jeff Zucker
We need to hear him explain how he's going to keep from running CNN completely into the ground like he did NBC. Because let's face it, CNN was fucking irrelevant before they started bashing President Dipshit every time he opens his mouth. When neither side of the aisle trusts you as a news source in the fucking field of news you--CNN--created, well, then how the fuck is the bow of this ship still even above water? I bet if Titanic survivors were alive to see CNN today they'd have flashbacks and panic attacks. "No, Nan, that's not the stupid captain, that's just Wolf Blitzer."
The Casts Of All The President's Men, Spotlight, and The Post
Oldies, but goodies, especially when it comes to the journalism community giving itself fellatio with the assistance of Hollywood. Actually, nix that. A past event is probably how Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer first met up to share strategies.
Murrow, Cronkite and Jennings: The Interactive Holograms
"Back from the dead and taking questions from today's TV news journalists!" Now, seriously, who the fuck wouldn't want to see this? Especially considering these three wouldn't take shit from anyone these days: not politicians, not their corporate overlords, and definitely not the interns accusing them of sexual harassment. Tom Brokaw would be moderator, naturally.
Clint Eastwood
Because there needs to be a sequel to "Clint Speaks To An Empty Chair." That first performance was right up there with his practically silent one in the Dollars Trilogy.
Management Of NBC News
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Explanations. As to why money came before any claims of sexual harassment against top on-air talent. As to why they think the best course of action is to basically deal with it internally instead of going the smart and public relations savvy course of hiring an outside firm to do the investigating. As to why their news organization has no problem pointing out hypocrites like Donald Trump, FOX News, or those in Hollywood, but won't take serious responsibility regarding the actions of those within their own organization. What, are the same people who have been running NBC the last thirty years been the same pieces of shit running the athletic programs at Penn State and Michigan State? Hell, how do we know for sure NBC didn't know of the shit going on in US Gymnastics and turned a blind eye towards it due to any effect on Olympics ratings? I would like them to answer these questions and explain to the general public why anyone should continue to trust them as a legitimate news organization? Pfft, why am I asking all of this. This is the same organization that let Brian Williams keep a job in the organization after he flat out lied out his ass while claiming to be a legitimate journalist.
Jeff Zucker
We need to hear him explain how he's going to keep from running CNN completely into the ground like he did NBC. Because let's face it, CNN was fucking irrelevant before they started bashing President Dipshit every time he opens his mouth. When neither side of the aisle trusts you as a news source in the fucking field of news you--CNN--created, well, then how the fuck is the bow of this ship still even above water? I bet if Titanic survivors were alive to see CNN today they'd have flashbacks and panic attacks. "No, Nan, that's not the stupid captain, that's just Wolf Blitzer."
The Casts Of All The President's Men, Spotlight, and The Post
Oldies, but goodies, especially when it comes to the journalism community giving itself fellatio with the assistance of Hollywood. Actually, nix that. A past event is probably how Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer first met up to share strategies.
Murrow, Cronkite and Jennings: The Interactive Holograms
"Back from the dead and taking questions from today's TV news journalists!" Now, seriously, who the fuck wouldn't want to see this? Especially considering these three wouldn't take shit from anyone these days: not politicians, not their corporate overlords, and definitely not the interns accusing them of sexual harassment. Tom Brokaw would be moderator, naturally.
Clint Eastwood
Because there needs to be a sequel to "Clint Speaks To An Empty Chair." That first performance was right up there with his practically silent one in the Dollars Trilogy.
Management Of NBC News
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Explanations. As to why money came before any claims of sexual harassment against top on-air talent. As to why they think the best course of action is to basically deal with it internally instead of going the smart and public relations savvy course of hiring an outside firm to do the investigating. As to why their news organization has no problem pointing out hypocrites like Donald Trump, FOX News, or those in Hollywood, but won't take serious responsibility regarding the actions of those within their own organization. What, are the same people who have been running NBC the last thirty years been the same pieces of shit running the athletic programs at Penn State and Michigan State? Hell, how do we know for sure NBC didn't know of the shit going on in US Gymnastics and turned a blind eye towards it due to any effect on Olympics ratings? I would like them to answer these questions and explain to the general public why anyone should continue to trust them as a legitimate news organization? Pfft, why am I asking all of this. This is the same organization that let Brian Williams keep a job in the organization after he flat out lied out his ass while claiming to be a legitimate journalist.
OVERHEARD: Just Rancid Durian
"While I respect Wade being your grandpa's name, Honey, I feel giving our child that name will put undue pressure on him to be an alcoholic baseball player."
"Are Lean Pockets still Hot Pockets?"
"Hey, Grandma, Natalie Portman got called an anti-Semite by some people in the Israeli government."
"Goddamnit, leave it to the Jews to make us racists irrelevant!"
"We need a national health service like in the UK."
"Why? Aren't we killing enough infants with our current healthcare system?"
"Are Lean Pockets still Hot Pockets?"
"Hey, Grandma, Natalie Portman got called an anti-Semite by some people in the Israeli government."
"Goddamnit, leave it to the Jews to make us racists irrelevant!"
"We need a national health service like in the UK."
"Why? Aren't we killing enough infants with our current healthcare system?"
Where You Most Likely Left Your Lighter
With the rapid legalization of marijuana in states across the US comes a problem no one ever anticipated. A problem so frustrating and annoying, it's even caused some stoners to rage quit. I am of course referring losing your lighter -- the stoner's lightsaber.
So, the question is, where the hell did you leave your lighter? Well, here are some places we suggest you look, dumbass.
Refrigerator
When's the last time you visited the fridge for a frosty beverage? Were you in the middle of a smoke sesh then? Did you perhaps leave the lighter in the refrigerator for some stupid reason? Note: this is also most likely to happen when one's frosty beverage consists of 4-40% alcohol.
Bathroom
Yeah, disgusting, sure, but well, nature calls even when you're about to light that shit. Just make sure you at least run the sucker under some hot water. No, that doesn't mean get the flamer part wet. Won't work correctly if you do that, dummy. Didn't you see Wizard Of Oz?
Any And All Pockets In All Clothing Worn Last Two Days
Now, assuming your lazy ass isn't doing laundry daily. And seriously, who does? And how is your body not covered in detergent rash if you do? Oh, yeah, that's a real thing. Makes your skin turn red and crusty no matter your ethnicity and original skin tone. It's creepy all of the sudden turning into a radish.
Your Friend Or Acquaintance's Pocket
That lighter looks familiar, doesn't it? Seems as if your "friend" has gotten a new lighter which look suspiciously like the one you lost and suspiciously like the one you were using the last time you were having a group powwow. Dude, you have been Humphrey Bogarted, dude. You're going to have to go all Johnny Quest on your friend, man to get your lighter back. Or just pickpocket the fucker and use his credit card to buy a flamethrower from Elon Musk.
The Sofa Ate It
Yup, gotta make the effort to actually get off the sofa to check in between the cushions. But trust me, sofas, couches, loveseats, recliners, all furniture eats your shit, man. How do I know this? Uh, because I saw it happen on The Big Comfy Couch, man! Like, that thing was voracious, eating anything and everything. So beware, and don't get eaten yourself.
So, the question is, where the hell did you leave your lighter? Well, here are some places we suggest you look, dumbass.
Refrigerator
When's the last time you visited the fridge for a frosty beverage? Were you in the middle of a smoke sesh then? Did you perhaps leave the lighter in the refrigerator for some stupid reason? Note: this is also most likely to happen when one's frosty beverage consists of 4-40% alcohol.
Bathroom
Yeah, disgusting, sure, but well, nature calls even when you're about to light that shit. Just make sure you at least run the sucker under some hot water. No, that doesn't mean get the flamer part wet. Won't work correctly if you do that, dummy. Didn't you see Wizard Of Oz?
Any And All Pockets In All Clothing Worn Last Two Days
Now, assuming your lazy ass isn't doing laundry daily. And seriously, who does? And how is your body not covered in detergent rash if you do? Oh, yeah, that's a real thing. Makes your skin turn red and crusty no matter your ethnicity and original skin tone. It's creepy all of the sudden turning into a radish.
Your Friend Or Acquaintance's Pocket
That lighter looks familiar, doesn't it? Seems as if your "friend" has gotten a new lighter which look suspiciously like the one you lost and suspiciously like the one you were using the last time you were having a group powwow. Dude, you have been Humphrey Bogarted, dude. You're going to have to go all Johnny Quest on your friend, man to get your lighter back. Or just pickpocket the fucker and use his credit card to buy a flamethrower from Elon Musk.
The Sofa Ate It
Yup, gotta make the effort to actually get off the sofa to check in between the cushions. But trust me, sofas, couches, loveseats, recliners, all furniture eats your shit, man. How do I know this? Uh, because I saw it happen on The Big Comfy Couch, man! Like, that thing was voracious, eating anything and everything. So beware, and don't get eaten yourself.
April 29, 2018
POETRY CORNER For April 29
Hazmat Night
The night is dark
The house it creaks
I walk in stark
As that damn faucet leaks
Ouch, that hurt
Damnit, that was my foot
Hope that's yogurt
Crap, almost fell into the nook
Wildly flail my arms
First nothing but air
Oh, there are the alarms
Hope the neighbors don't care
Something is a miss
When the house is a mess
And taking a simple piss
Requires gazelle dexterity and quickness
April 28, 2018
RANDOM HEADLINES For April 28
Trump To Ask Giuliani To Prom
City To Install Gun Turrets On Street Lights
Blind Deaf Man Continues Fight For Gun Ownership
Students Decree Every Day A Walkout Protest Day
Republicans Struggle Putting Poor On Endangered Species List
Trump Wants To Replace School Cafeterias With McDonalds
City To Install Gun Turrets On Street Lights
Blind Deaf Man Continues Fight For Gun Ownership
Students Decree Every Day A Walkout Protest Day
Republicans Struggle Putting Poor On Endangered Species List
Trump Wants To Replace School Cafeterias With McDonalds
April 27, 2018
RANDOM THOUGHTS: Exiled To Kokomo
I kind of want to throw rotten food at people and yell "Spoilers!"
So, is that plant Harvey Weinstein ejaculated into going to sue him too, or what?
Donald Trump already gave Melania infinite birthday presents when he married her: access to his money and the promise not to grab her by the pussy like he does his whores.
The most creative title they could come up with was Deadpool 2? How about DP: The Ass Reckoning?
It's going to be such a goddamn slog, the elections of 2018 and 2020, I wonder if the whole experience of them will finally put the United States off this whole democracy thing. (If you're of a certain age group, you would've found that statement to be the most blatantly offensive thing you've read in some time.)
Bill Cosby is still America's dad. There are a lot of Americans with dads in prison. Black ones, too. Lots of those. Apparently Cosby is needed to fill a black rapist quota at a prison or something, must be because the white rapists have a higher turnover and get paroled out faster. (Those of you of a certain age, ethnicity, and/or gender will have found those previous statements the most offensive ones you've read in some time.)
Yes, I can be an offensive asshole. But I wasn't the one to piss on the corpse of Barbara Bush before she was even in the ground. That was an "intelligent and educated, liberal-minded, female college professor." No, my anger is not about her being a woman, or a liberal, or in a useless profession. It has to do with this c*nt not having the fucking common decency to wait the customary three to seven days before unleashing such vitriol on a dead person who hasn't raped or murdered anyone or gotten away with those or any other crimes. Don't get me wrong, racism is bad, but I think Barbara Bush not murdering or raping anyone during her time on Earth earns her at least three days of resting in peace before you start spewing similar hatred towards her corpse that you accuse of her having while alive. Though, I do applaud her testicular fortitude with the response of fuck you, I can't get fired, I'm tenured. Yup. She didn't even get slapped on the wrist. No wonder the Republicans want to dissect and disembowel the funding for public universities. Whatever, sorry for the rant. Let's just say, I'm all for freedom of speech, but unlike this bitch, I at least have a little more respect for the dead. And no, I'm not going to name her because her name is foreign and hard to spell and I didn't want to have to retype or copy and paste so many fucking times. And yes, I just went there with the foreign comment. Bring it, bitch! Unlike Mrs. Bush's corpse, I can fight back.
So, is that plant Harvey Weinstein ejaculated into going to sue him too, or what?
Donald Trump already gave Melania infinite birthday presents when he married her: access to his money and the promise not to grab her by the pussy like he does his whores.
The most creative title they could come up with was Deadpool 2? How about DP: The Ass Reckoning?
It's going to be such a goddamn slog, the elections of 2018 and 2020, I wonder if the whole experience of them will finally put the United States off this whole democracy thing. (If you're of a certain age group, you would've found that statement to be the most blatantly offensive thing you've read in some time.)
Bill Cosby is still America's dad. There are a lot of Americans with dads in prison. Black ones, too. Lots of those. Apparently Cosby is needed to fill a black rapist quota at a prison or something, must be because the white rapists have a higher turnover and get paroled out faster. (Those of you of a certain age, ethnicity, and/or gender will have found those previous statements the most offensive ones you've read in some time.)
Yes, I can be an offensive asshole. But I wasn't the one to piss on the corpse of Barbara Bush before she was even in the ground. That was an "intelligent and educated, liberal-minded, female college professor." No, my anger is not about her being a woman, or a liberal, or in a useless profession. It has to do with this c*nt not having the fucking common decency to wait the customary three to seven days before unleashing such vitriol on a dead person who hasn't raped or murdered anyone or gotten away with those or any other crimes. Don't get me wrong, racism is bad, but I think Barbara Bush not murdering or raping anyone during her time on Earth earns her at least three days of resting in peace before you start spewing similar hatred towards her corpse that you accuse of her having while alive. Though, I do applaud her testicular fortitude with the response of fuck you, I can't get fired, I'm tenured. Yup. She didn't even get slapped on the wrist. No wonder the Republicans want to dissect and disembowel the funding for public universities. Whatever, sorry for the rant. Let's just say, I'm all for freedom of speech, but unlike this bitch, I at least have a little more respect for the dead. And no, I'm not going to name her because her name is foreign and hard to spell and I didn't want to have to retype or copy and paste so many fucking times. And yes, I just went there with the foreign comment. Bring it, bitch! Unlike Mrs. Bush's corpse, I can fight back.
Offensive Name Alliteration
"So, how was work?"
"Slow, so ended up reading too much news and getting pissed off."
"Did you get any work done?"
"Sort of."
Multiply scenario three times a week for several months and here we are.
Al Franken was caught publicly monkey spankin'.
Rush Limbaugh shoved a cock in his gaping maw.
Sean Hannity won't allow his gay partner to use profanity.
Alex Jones sticks out his ass to take many bones.
Jim Carrey molested a transvestite who's real name is Larry.
Donald Trump gives it to Ivanka in her "absolutely tremendous" rump.
Nancy Pelosi said about prosecuting child rape, "Oh, we'll see. Eventually."
Robert Mueller says rainbow is his favorite color.
Kellyanne Conway can't wash her cunt stench away.
Roger Ailes dumped his semen in random fishermen's pails.
Paul Ryan accidentally fucked a horse, now he's cryin'.
Mitch McConnell bought a turkey to rape from Old MacDonald.
Hillary Clinton murdered Vince Foster and stuffed him in a mitten.
Steven Bannon calls his itty bitty weenie the Master's Canon.
Rachel Maddow gave sloppy anilingus to a newborn cow.
Roseanne ate a baby and tossed it bones into a garbage can.
Barack Obama was fingering the butthole of his mama.
Laura Ingraham's penis makes her always mistaken for a him.
James Comey hangs out at bus stops, asking strange men "Hey, would ya blow me?"
Elizabeth Warren molests the children who are foreign.
Joe Biden loves him some bareback ridin'.
Sean Spicer orgasms with his dick in a slicer.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders wouldn't even get fucked by Ned Flanders.
Scott Pruitt hasn't seen a hole where he hasn't tried to screw it.
John McCain relives Vietnam by getting his ass plowed in the rain.
Bob Corker will only fuck her if she's a porker.
Chuck Schumer once sexually assaulted a woman's breast cancer tumor.
"Slow, so ended up reading too much news and getting pissed off."
"Did you get any work done?"
"Sort of."
Multiply scenario three times a week for several months and here we are.
Al Franken was caught publicly monkey spankin'.
Rush Limbaugh shoved a cock in his gaping maw.
Sean Hannity won't allow his gay partner to use profanity.
Alex Jones sticks out his ass to take many bones.
Jim Carrey molested a transvestite who's real name is Larry.
Donald Trump gives it to Ivanka in her "absolutely tremendous" rump.
Nancy Pelosi said about prosecuting child rape, "Oh, we'll see. Eventually."
Robert Mueller says rainbow is his favorite color.
Kellyanne Conway can't wash her cunt stench away.
Roger Ailes dumped his semen in random fishermen's pails.
Paul Ryan accidentally fucked a horse, now he's cryin'.
Mitch McConnell bought a turkey to rape from Old MacDonald.
Hillary Clinton murdered Vince Foster and stuffed him in a mitten.
Steven Bannon calls his itty bitty weenie the Master's Canon.
Rachel Maddow gave sloppy anilingus to a newborn cow.
Roseanne ate a baby and tossed it bones into a garbage can.
Barack Obama was fingering the butthole of his mama.
Laura Ingraham's penis makes her always mistaken for a him.
James Comey hangs out at bus stops, asking strange men "Hey, would ya blow me?"
Elizabeth Warren molests the children who are foreign.
Joe Biden loves him some bareback ridin'.
Sean Spicer orgasms with his dick in a slicer.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders wouldn't even get fucked by Ned Flanders.
Scott Pruitt hasn't seen a hole where he hasn't tried to screw it.
John McCain relives Vietnam by getting his ass plowed in the rain.
Bob Corker will only fuck her if she's a porker.
Chuck Schumer once sexually assaulted a woman's breast cancer tumor.
Meaty Thanks
Poor animal was smoked, chopped, and pressed to make this lunch meat. And it was probably done to the poor thing while it was still alive, too. Poor, delicious animal. Thank you for your sacrifice and know that you'll make a solid poop. Because I'm eating your protein, get it?
April 26, 2018
Drink Recipes
J. Juan Jameson
1 part good tequila
2 parts Jameson Irish Whisky
Dashes of: salt
pepper
cigar ash
Sip with an unhealthy hatred towards El Hombre Araña.
Grand Admiral Thrawn
2 parts good vodka
3 parts blue curacao
2 maraschino cherries
1 black drink umbrella
Best enjoyed when contemplating the entrapment and destruction of your enemies.
The Cowardly Lion
1 part Everclear
1 part cat and/or human urine acquired through fear
Dash of cat hair
Enjoy while watching your favorite horror movie.
1 part good tequila
2 parts Jameson Irish Whisky
Dashes of: salt
pepper
cigar ash
Sip with an unhealthy hatred towards El Hombre Araña.
Grand Admiral Thrawn
2 parts good vodka
3 parts blue curacao
2 maraschino cherries
1 black drink umbrella
Best enjoyed when contemplating the entrapment and destruction of your enemies.
The Cowardly Lion
1 part Everclear
1 part cat and/or human urine acquired through fear
Dash of cat hair
Enjoy while watching your favorite horror movie.
Prom Themes Which Will Never Be Used
It's prom season again, which means all the girls in your class are going to pick out some lame, generic theme which you have no say in because you have testicles. Oops, sorry. Projecting a bit there. Anyways, here are some prom themes which will never be used despite how hard Danny tried.
Reproductive System Regalia
Nights Of Japanese Internment
Holocaust Nights
St. Valentine's Day Massacre
Communism Under The Stars
Segregation Celebration
Hollywood Harassment
Bin Laden Under The Sea
Serial Killer Carnival
A Royal Rumble
Dr. Leary's LSD Trip
A Night In WWI Trenches
A Star Wars Holiday Special
Night Of A Thousand Cuts
Dumpster Baby Ball
The Killing Joke
Room 101: A Night In Miniluv
Reproductive System Regalia
Nights Of Japanese Internment
Holocaust Nights
St. Valentine's Day Massacre
Communism Under The Stars
Segregation Celebration
Hollywood Harassment
Bin Laden Under The Sea
Serial Killer Carnival
A Royal Rumble
Dr. Leary's LSD Trip
A Night In WWI Trenches
A Star Wars Holiday Special
Night Of A Thousand Cuts
Dumpster Baby Ball
The Killing Joke
Room 101: A Night In Miniluv
Michael Cohen's Other Secret Clients
Sean Hannity isn't Michael Cohen's only secret client, I mean, you can't be strutting your stuff around NYC smoking stogies if you only have a client list of three douchebags. That's why there has to be more. So, after some extremely non-tense, low-depth investigating, we've found others who are also on Cohen's secret client list.
Kermit The Frog
Cohen is representing him in his divorce with Miss Piggy. Kermit told The Washington Post Miss Piggy started it by hiring Gloria Allred.
Kevin Spacey
He actually approached Spacey first as he figured representing a worse President than Trump would be a good public relations move on behalf of the Donald.
Thanos
What, you think Thanos was going to bother invading Earth without getting a lawyer first? Ha! Rule 42 To Defeating The Avengers: if kicking their asses doesn't work, drag those asses into court for years on end by filing numerous frivolous lawsuits.
Kermit The Frog
Cohen is representing him in his divorce with Miss Piggy. Kermit told The Washington Post Miss Piggy started it by hiring Gloria Allred.
Kevin Spacey
He actually approached Spacey first as he figured representing a worse President than Trump would be a good public relations move on behalf of the Donald.
Thanos
What, you think Thanos was going to bother invading Earth without getting a lawyer first? Ha! Rule 42 To Defeating The Avengers: if kicking their asses doesn't work, drag those asses into court for years on end by filing numerous frivolous lawsuits.
OVERHEARD: Too Sexy For This Shirt
"You're doing it wrong. It says Push."
"No, it says Pull."
"No, that means to pull your dick out if you're stupid enough to stick it in there."
"Ugh, I bought candy without understanding the concept of it and turns out, I don' t like its concept."
"I had a similar experience. Except it was with a hooker."
"So, if the pig is slaughtered amongst a group of black people, does that make it Black Forest Ham?"
"You're thinking anal retentive. Anal retention is why Metamucil exists."
"Please, sir, you're too fat to be backing up like that. You might run someone over. Think of the children who'd die in your blubbery fat rolls, for Chrissakes!"
"I'm voting for Harry Dill-Doe."
"What happened to voting for Dick Zucker?"
"Not since he was involved in that whole A. Nall & Associates controversy."
"No, it says Pull."
"No, that means to pull your dick out if you're stupid enough to stick it in there."
"Ugh, I bought candy without understanding the concept of it and turns out, I don' t like its concept."
"I had a similar experience. Except it was with a hooker."
"So, if the pig is slaughtered amongst a group of black people, does that make it Black Forest Ham?"
"You're thinking anal retentive. Anal retention is why Metamucil exists."
"Please, sir, you're too fat to be backing up like that. You might run someone over. Think of the children who'd die in your blubbery fat rolls, for Chrissakes!"
"I'm voting for Harry Dill-Doe."
"What happened to voting for Dick Zucker?"
"Not since he was involved in that whole A. Nall & Associates controversy."
RANDOM HEADLINES For April 26
Powerless Puerto Rico Feels Like Trump Tenant
R Kelly's Is Rated Top Celebrity Sex Cult, NXIVM Second
Drunk, Nudist Couple Chased Around Casino
California Now Too Liberal For East Coast Liberals
Broadway Producer Can't Remember If Tonys Happened
Even Catholics Willing To Advocate Abortions If Means Less Future Politicians
New Royal Baby Already Booked For Commonwealth Tour
Nutella Surpasses Peanut Butter As Perverts Choice Of Testicle Paste
April 25, 2018
Where Netflix Gets The Billions
Netflix may soon surpass Disney when it comes to company value. But how did they get this way? Where the hell did they get the billions to piss away on mediocre original content and licensing movies not even good enough for the bargain bin? Well, we here at One World Under Dog did our due diligence in a writer's room and came up with these sources of capital which Netflix has been using.
Oligarchs from Russia
As far we know, they don't have pee pee tapes of Reed Hastings or Ted Sarandos.
Illegal accounts Wells Fargo set up for unwitting customers
Wait, you didn't know you had a mortgage account paying for 200 Netflix subscriptions?
Michael Cohen's personal equity lines
Ended up being for $130k less than originally agreed to, but that agreement was made six months before the 2016 election and Storms happen, man.
Tax cuts for not paying taxes
Where the hell do you think the Republicans got their 2017 tax cut plan, actual economists?
Their own Pizzagate operation
Like the Democratic leadership, Netflix realized child sex trafficking was more lucrative than just regular people sex trafficking and smuggling.
Selling lemonade at a roadside stand
Ha! Fake news! Everyone knows the local government would tax (steal) that money from them like they do to the little kids.
Oligarchs from Russia
As far we know, they don't have pee pee tapes of Reed Hastings or Ted Sarandos.
Illegal accounts Wells Fargo set up for unwitting customers
Wait, you didn't know you had a mortgage account paying for 200 Netflix subscriptions?
Michael Cohen's personal equity lines
Ended up being for $130k less than originally agreed to, but that agreement was made six months before the 2016 election and Storms happen, man.
Tax cuts for not paying taxes
Where the hell do you think the Republicans got their 2017 tax cut plan, actual economists?
Their own Pizzagate operation
Like the Democratic leadership, Netflix realized child sex trafficking was more lucrative than just regular people sex trafficking and smuggling.
Selling lemonade at a roadside stand
Ha! Fake news! Everyone knows the local government would tax (steal) that money from them like they do to the little kids.
RANDOM THOUGHTS: Here Again We Are
Has anyone ever been beaten to death with raw meat?
Do you think pencil-necked people have penises and clitorises as hard as graphite?
Yeah, give me enough money and I too would have no problem going on national television to proclaim I have some sick, disgusting disease and that you should call your doctor to ask about this specific medication because it's keeping the sick, disgusting disease at bay for me.
Tinsel seems like a good fiber substitute for the busy holiday season.
I really want to rush into a health club shouting "Stop the presses!"
Really? Your kid had the choice of any instrument and he chose bassoon? Might want to trade in for a new kid if you can't trade in for a clarinet. Why a clarinet? Well, because chicks dick a guy who plays a clarinet, makes him look all sensitive and shit. And if the kid ends up being gay, well, boom, clarinet.
Do you think pencil-necked people have penises and clitorises as hard as graphite?
Yeah, give me enough money and I too would have no problem going on national television to proclaim I have some sick, disgusting disease and that you should call your doctor to ask about this specific medication because it's keeping the sick, disgusting disease at bay for me.
Tinsel seems like a good fiber substitute for the busy holiday season.
I really want to rush into a health club shouting "Stop the presses!"
Really? Your kid had the choice of any instrument and he chose bassoon? Might want to trade in for a new kid if you can't trade in for a clarinet. Why a clarinet? Well, because chicks dick a guy who plays a clarinet, makes him look all sensitive and shit. And if the kid ends up being gay, well, boom, clarinet.
Pizza Rant
Are you kidding me? This isn't pizza. It's a grease pie. Oh, don't give me that shit. Take off the tomato sauce and that's what you get. Fucking disgusting. Especially considering you fucking substituted it with alfredo sauce! Shit is basically cheese sauce, man. Plus, pizza's already got cheese on it, now you're just doubling the cheese and turning it into one big fucking pile of cheese grease! Oh, and I have mentioned I'm lactose intolerant, right? Can't fucking stand that amount of cheese grease without it being cut with the acidity of the tomato sauce, which by the way also gives the damn thing more flavor. Because I can't even goddamn tell if they even bothered to put alfredo sauce on the damn thing it's so bland. But wait, there's more. Let's order it with sausage and pepperoni. Oh, the cheese grease wasn't enough for you? How about meat grease? Leave it to ground flesh, organs, and fat to leak like a damn building in Venice. There ended up being enough grease on that dough slice to oil up the entire WWE locker room circa 1988. Seriously, Hulk Hogan could slap his fucking name on it, brother, and sell it as Hulkmania Hot Massage Oil. The only massage oil to use when you're screwing your friend's wife while saying racist shit. Fuck! Why am I not bottling this disgusting combo of cheese and meat grease and selling it to chronic masturbators? Shut up, Larry! First lesson in business is to not use your own product. But seriously, anyone have a towel? I mean, I feel like I need to shower, but got to wipe myself down first because this very well might be too much grease for the water pressure on that shower head, man. One more thing before I go soak, dude -- if you ever, and I mean ever, fucking order this "pizza" again, I am going to use the grease from it as lube to shove multiple things concurrently up your ass out of vengeance.
POETRY CORNER For April 25
Rain, rain
Go away
Come again
Next Friday
When that prick Gary is having his outdoor barbecue party. God, I hate that guy!
April 24, 2018
Things Discovered By Amazon While Delivering To Vehicles
Amazon's new thing now is to deliver your packages to your car. America's response was, "I have no problem giving your company key access to my vehicle -- as long as the delivery person is a WASP." This got us thinking though, if you're giving Amazon access to your vehicle's storage, what else might the poor, hapless, stupidly white delivery person find in people's vehicles?
Jimmy Hoffa's corpse
Sean Hannity's dignity
Opioid prescriptions actually in Prince's name
The Amber Room
Hillary Clinton's remorse
Hugh Hefner's leftover Viagra pills, all two tons of them
Donald Trump's tax returns
Tiger Woods' athletic ability and talent
American beliefs and values drenched in human fecal matter
Jimmy Hoffa's corpse
Sean Hannity's dignity
Opioid prescriptions actually in Prince's name
The Amber Room
Hillary Clinton's remorse
Hugh Hefner's leftover Viagra pills, all two tons of them
Donald Trump's tax returns
Tiger Woods' athletic ability and talent
American beliefs and values drenched in human fecal matter
OVERHEARD: Dropping Those Eaves
"He ain't bein' clear, yer honor. He referrin' ta crimi'l graftin' or horticultural graftin'?"
"Hammer time is tool time, but tool time isn't always hammer time."
"Does this have to do with stupid pop culture references?"
"Nope, sex."
"That's obviously a penis, Gary."
"No, it's an alligator drawn from above."
"Fuck you, Gary. You can't draw."
"Yes, we want to raise our child gender neutral, so we're practicing on the puppy we just got."
"Time to reboot boy bands!"
"We should get to manufacturing some immediately!"
"But we should probably go with a manager this time who doesn't diddle the boys."
"My thoughts exactly."
"Fuck you, Charlie Brown. There's no such thing as 'good' grief."
"Hammer time is tool time, but tool time isn't always hammer time."
"Does this have to do with stupid pop culture references?"
"Nope, sex."
"That's obviously a penis, Gary."
"No, it's an alligator drawn from above."
"Fuck you, Gary. You can't draw."
"Yes, we want to raise our child gender neutral, so we're practicing on the puppy we just got."
"Time to reboot boy bands!"
"We should get to manufacturing some immediately!"
"But we should probably go with a manager this time who doesn't diddle the boys."
"My thoughts exactly."
"Fuck you, Charlie Brown. There's no such thing as 'good' grief."
Insults Of The Month
"Go eat a Tide Pod!"
"You're not even worth firing over Twitter."
"Someone's looking to get Bill Cosby-ed!"
"Don't make me cheat on you with a B-list pornstar."
"The writers should have killed you off in season one."
"You're so pathetic, not even Facebook wants your personal data."
"I hope a bunch of angry white guys vote to take your rights away."
"You're not even worth firing over Twitter."
"Someone's looking to get Bill Cosby-ed!"
"Don't make me cheat on you with a B-list pornstar."
"The writers should have killed you off in season one."
"You're so pathetic, not even Facebook wants your personal data."
"I hope a bunch of angry white guys vote to take your rights away."
RANDOM HEADLINES For April 24
Jolly Green Giant Faces #MeToo Accusations
Blue Moon Changes Logo To Naked Smurf Butt
Pre-school Gang Activity On Rise Nationwide
Entire CNN Viewership Fits Into Area Size Of Vermont
Area Man Jumps Shovel, Reminisces Of Past Track Glory
Hollywood's Cauliflower Anal Cleanse Obsession
Blue Moon Changes Logo To Naked Smurf Butt
Pre-school Gang Activity On Rise Nationwide
Entire CNN Viewership Fits Into Area Size Of Vermont
Area Man Jumps Shovel, Reminisces Of Past Track Glory
Hollywood's Cauliflower Anal Cleanse Obsession
April 23, 2018
Meanwhile
But I got you, babe.
Oh, wait, now I don't.
Move ten inches to the right,
And I got you, babe.
Oh, shit, now I don't.
And you're falling fast.
I don't got you, babe.
Babe, you're going splat.
Oh, wait, now I don't.
Move ten inches to the right,
And I got you, babe.
Oh, shit, now I don't.
And you're falling fast.
I don't got you, babe.
Babe, you're going splat.
So You Gave A Clown A Cookie...
Pfft, you think giving a mouse a cookie leads to trouble, don't ever give a clown a cookie. Because if you do so, he'll then ask for a knife, then a sword, then a pistol, then an assault rifle, then a bazooka, a red balloon, and finally directions to the nearest playground. And it isn't until he's left that you realize all the weaponry was registered in your name. So, you're forced to flee the state of Maine forever. And on the way out of town, your van accidentally runs into a bespectacled man walking down the road. And of course he's not hopped on cocaine this time, so he feels your stupid van crush his legs and sues. You're taken to court and totally fucked even though the whole thing was your van's fault and even then, it's all because you gave a goddamn clown a cookie. Way to go.
New To LaserDiscus
Here are some new and interesting titles coming out soon on LaserDisc you should check out at your local Hollywood Video:
Earwax (1972)
A heartwarming family tale about a deaf single parent who becomes a better person after finally undergoing an operation to clear excessive earwax buildup. Starring some people who haven't gotten use out of their SAG memberships since this film was made, and directed by some schmuck who couldn't even cut it working for Roger Corman.
Where The Rock May Fall (346 B.C.)
Watch in thrilling anticipation as two Ancient Greek philosophers drunk on wine vigorously debate where a rock perched on a ledge will fall. Contains stunning cinematography and award-winning performances Aeschylus called "only mildly disappointing" when compared to his work.
Pluto Nash 2: The Dumbening (2015)
Eddie Murphy returns for a sequel no one saw to a movie no one saw because he needs the money, like really badly, you guys. You don't know how expensive house upkeep in Beverly Hills is when you have a pool in the backyard, man. Besides, this is like the most laugh out-loud sequel to one of Eddie's most laugh out-loud movies! Or am I thinking of the Nutty Professor movies?
Earwax (1972)
A heartwarming family tale about a deaf single parent who becomes a better person after finally undergoing an operation to clear excessive earwax buildup. Starring some people who haven't gotten use out of their SAG memberships since this film was made, and directed by some schmuck who couldn't even cut it working for Roger Corman.
Where The Rock May Fall (346 B.C.)
Watch in thrilling anticipation as two Ancient Greek philosophers drunk on wine vigorously debate where a rock perched on a ledge will fall. Contains stunning cinematography and award-winning performances Aeschylus called "only mildly disappointing" when compared to his work.
Pluto Nash 2: The Dumbening (2015)
Eddie Murphy returns for a sequel no one saw to a movie no one saw because he needs the money, like really badly, you guys. You don't know how expensive house upkeep in Beverly Hills is when you have a pool in the backyard, man. Besides, this is like the most laugh out-loud sequel to one of Eddie's most laugh out-loud movies! Or am I thinking of the Nutty Professor movies?
POETRY CORNER For April 23
Here's shit in your eye
Oh, poor baby don't cry
Just drink this poisoned rye
So I can watch you die
And at your funeral
Say how you weren't a bad guy
History Of Horsey Sauce
It is a little known fact that Arby's Horsey Sauce was invented in 1627 by a Mongolian shepherd as a sauce for grilled horse. Unfortunately, it wasn't well received among the Mongol tribes, and thus the recipe lay dormant for centuries until discovered in the early 1930's by the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe who were in the region looking for evidence of the Aryan master race. The recipe then found its way into the hands of a Wehrmacht officer who was killed in battle by the founder of Arby's, Sir Reginald Albatross Arby IV. Sir Reginald first attempted to use the sauce as a substitute for mint jelly at Easter dinner. However, it didn't catch on. So, at the next Sunday dinner, Sir Reginald's wife served the sauce with roast beef and a legend was born.
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