Pizza Rant

Are you kidding me? This isn't pizza. It's a grease pie. Oh, don't give me that shit. Take off the tomato sauce and that's what you get. Fucking disgusting. Especially considering you fucking substituted it with alfredo sauce! Shit is basically cheese sauce, man. Plus, pizza's already got cheese on it, now you're just doubling the cheese and turning it into one big fucking pile of cheese grease! Oh, and I have mentioned I'm lactose intolerant, right? Can't fucking stand that amount of cheese grease without it being cut with the acidity of the tomato sauce, which by the way also gives the damn thing more flavor. Because I can't even goddamn tell if they even bothered to put alfredo sauce on the damn thing it's so bland. But wait, there's more. Let's order it with sausage and pepperoni. Oh, the cheese grease wasn't enough for you? How about meat grease? Leave it to ground flesh, organs, and fat to leak like a damn building in Venice. There ended up being enough grease on that dough slice to oil up the entire WWE locker room circa 1988. Seriously, Hulk Hogan could slap his fucking name on it, brother, and sell it as Hulkmania Hot Massage Oil. The only massage oil to use when you're screwing your friend's wife while saying racist shit. Fuck! Why am I not bottling this disgusting combo of cheese and meat grease and selling it to chronic masturbators? Shut up, Larry! First lesson in business is to not use your own product. But seriously, anyone have a towel? I mean, I feel like I need to shower, but got to wipe myself down first because this very well might be too much grease for the water pressure on that shower head, man. One more thing before I go soak, dude -- if you ever, and I mean ever, fucking order this "pizza" again, I am going to use the grease from it as lube to shove multiple things concurrently up your ass out of vengeance.