Just to be completely clear due to legal reasons, the following quotes were not said by those attributed. This is a comedy piece and if you can't understand that, I hope you kill yourself. And yes, all of this was written in anger, aiming low, as all these subjects listed are hypocrites who don't deserve life. And no, I won't apologize.
"I'll gladly call out David Letterman for something he didn't necessarily have control over, but I'm going to remain silent on the problems at the news division of the network I worked at and with for over a decade." -Tina Fey
"Well, now that's it been a decade, I think I can safely say choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate was a stupid choice and is the reason God gave me brain cancer." -John McCain
"Trump wants to make America Fascist, then fine! We'll make America Marxist even though we have no clue as to what his actual philosophies were because, like Republicans, we don't read before we start spewing shit from our mouths." -Democrats and Liberals
"What do you get when you glue fruit leather to over-inflated volleyballs and let Julian Assange fuck it? Your mother!" -Tommy Lee to his son Brandon
"Man, I think this whole lying for the President thing is really distracting people from how hideously ugly and fat I am." -Sarah Huckabee Sanders
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