Summer Driving Tips

It's that time of year. We're on the cusp of summer, which means spending hours stuck in a cramped vehicle with people who are only tolerable in small doses, yet now here you are on a one-week "vacation" with them. So before you go out on the road this summer, here are some driving tips to keep in mind.

If you're going to run someone over, try and make sure it's an obese person as this makes it easier to convince the insurance company you just hit a large animal.

Braking with your left foot is a good way to fuck with the tailgater riding your ass. 

When passing through a construction zone, refrain from sexually harassing the construction workers. 

Litter on backroads, not highways. 

The best time to practice defensive driving maneuvers is while traveling at eighty on the interstate.

If you don't have enough room for the kids, just stuff one into the trunk--in a car seat as safety comes first. 

Only drive drunk if your passengers are 21 years of age or older.

Drive aggressive, but not too aggressive--I don't know, drive casually!

For the best fuel economy, remember to fill up every fifteen minutes. 

And remember, in order to reach your destination sooner, that all traffic signs and signals are nothing more than mere suggestions and not actually codified law.