As you've probably heard by now, the 2018 White House Correspondents' Dinner was another rousing shit show. To avoid a politically stupid epileptic tirade like both President Trump and the fake news, I'll just say I did some thinking and came up with some other candidates to speak at next year's event who aren't comedians. Which at this point is a good thing since this shithole country can neither tell a good offensive joke, nor take one. Well, neither can I, which you will soon witness.
Jeff Zucker
We need to hear him explain how he's going to keep from running CNN completely into the ground like he did NBC. Because let's face it, CNN was fucking irrelevant before they started bashing President Dipshit every time he opens his mouth. When neither side of the aisle trusts you as a news source in the fucking field of news you--CNN--created, well, then how the fuck is the bow of this ship still even above water? I bet if Titanic survivors were alive to see CNN today they'd have flashbacks and panic attacks. "No, Nan, that's not the stupid captain, that's just Wolf Blitzer."
The Casts Of All The President's Men, Spotlight, and The Post
Oldies, but goodies, especially when it comes to the journalism community giving itself fellatio with the assistance of Hollywood. Actually, nix that. A past event is probably how Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer first met up to share strategies.
Murrow, Cronkite and Jennings: The Interactive Holograms
"Back from the dead and taking questions from today's TV news journalists!" Now, seriously, who the fuck wouldn't want to see this? Especially considering these three wouldn't take shit from anyone these days: not politicians, not their corporate overlords, and definitely not the interns accusing them of sexual harassment. Tom Brokaw would be moderator, naturally.
Clint Eastwood
Because there needs to be a sequel to "Clint Speaks To An Empty Chair." That first performance was right up there with his practically silent one in the Dollars Trilogy.
Management Of NBC News
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Explanations. As to why money came before any claims of sexual harassment against top on-air talent. As to why they think the best course of action is to basically deal with it internally instead of going the smart and public relations savvy course of hiring an outside firm to do the investigating. As to why their news organization has no problem pointing out hypocrites like Donald Trump, FOX News, or those in Hollywood, but won't take serious responsibility regarding the actions of those within their own organization. What, are the same people who have been running NBC the last thirty years been the same pieces of shit running the athletic programs at Penn State and Michigan State? Hell, how do we know for sure NBC didn't know of the shit going on in US Gymnastics and turned a blind eye towards it due to any effect on Olympics ratings? I would like them to answer these questions and explain to the general public why anyone should continue to trust them as a legitimate news organization? Pfft, why am I asking all of this. This is the same organization that let Brian Williams keep a job in the organization after he flat out lied out his ass while claiming to be a legitimate journalist.
April 30, 2018
OVERHEARD: Just Rancid Durian
"While I respect Wade being your grandpa's name, Honey, I feel giving our child that name will put undue pressure on him to be an alcoholic baseball player."
"Are Lean Pockets still Hot Pockets?"
"Hey, Grandma, Natalie Portman got called an anti-Semite by some people in the Israeli government."
"Goddamnit, leave it to the Jews to make us racists irrelevant!"
"We need a national health service like in the UK."
"Why? Aren't we killing enough infants with our current healthcare system?"
"Are Lean Pockets still Hot Pockets?"
"Hey, Grandma, Natalie Portman got called an anti-Semite by some people in the Israeli government."
"Goddamnit, leave it to the Jews to make us racists irrelevant!"
"We need a national health service like in the UK."
"Why? Aren't we killing enough infants with our current healthcare system?"
Where You Most Likely Left Your Lighter
With the rapid legalization of marijuana in states across the US comes a problem no one ever anticipated. A problem so frustrating and annoying, it's even caused some stoners to rage quit. I am of course referring losing your lighter -- the stoner's lightsaber.
So, the question is, where the hell did you leave your lighter? Well, here are some places we suggest you look, dumbass.
Refrigerator
When's the last time you visited the fridge for a frosty beverage? Were you in the middle of a smoke sesh then? Did you perhaps leave the lighter in the refrigerator for some stupid reason? Note: this is also most likely to happen when one's frosty beverage consists of 4-40% alcohol.
Bathroom
Yeah, disgusting, sure, but well, nature calls even when you're about to light that shit. Just make sure you at least run the sucker under some hot water. No, that doesn't mean get the flamer part wet. Won't work correctly if you do that, dummy. Didn't you see Wizard Of Oz?
Any And All Pockets In All Clothing Worn Last Two Days
Now, assuming your lazy ass isn't doing laundry daily. And seriously, who does? And how is your body not covered in detergent rash if you do? Oh, yeah, that's a real thing. Makes your skin turn red and crusty no matter your ethnicity and original skin tone. It's creepy all of the sudden turning into a radish.
Your Friend Or Acquaintance's Pocket
That lighter looks familiar, doesn't it? Seems as if your "friend" has gotten a new lighter which look suspiciously like the one you lost and suspiciously like the one you were using the last time you were having a group powwow. Dude, you have been Humphrey Bogarted, dude. You're going to have to go all Johnny Quest on your friend, man to get your lighter back. Or just pickpocket the fucker and use his credit card to buy a flamethrower from Elon Musk.
The Sofa Ate It
Yup, gotta make the effort to actually get off the sofa to check in between the cushions. But trust me, sofas, couches, loveseats, recliners, all furniture eats your shit, man. How do I know this? Uh, because I saw it happen on The Big Comfy Couch, man! Like, that thing was voracious, eating anything and everything. So beware, and don't get eaten yourself.
So, the question is, where the hell did you leave your lighter? Well, here are some places we suggest you look, dumbass.
Refrigerator
When's the last time you visited the fridge for a frosty beverage? Were you in the middle of a smoke sesh then? Did you perhaps leave the lighter in the refrigerator for some stupid reason? Note: this is also most likely to happen when one's frosty beverage consists of 4-40% alcohol.
Bathroom
Yeah, disgusting, sure, but well, nature calls even when you're about to light that shit. Just make sure you at least run the sucker under some hot water. No, that doesn't mean get the flamer part wet. Won't work correctly if you do that, dummy. Didn't you see Wizard Of Oz?
Any And All Pockets In All Clothing Worn Last Two Days
Now, assuming your lazy ass isn't doing laundry daily. And seriously, who does? And how is your body not covered in detergent rash if you do? Oh, yeah, that's a real thing. Makes your skin turn red and crusty no matter your ethnicity and original skin tone. It's creepy all of the sudden turning into a radish.
Your Friend Or Acquaintance's Pocket
That lighter looks familiar, doesn't it? Seems as if your "friend" has gotten a new lighter which look suspiciously like the one you lost and suspiciously like the one you were using the last time you were having a group powwow. Dude, you have been Humphrey Bogarted, dude. You're going to have to go all Johnny Quest on your friend, man to get your lighter back. Or just pickpocket the fucker and use his credit card to buy a flamethrower from Elon Musk.
The Sofa Ate It
Yup, gotta make the effort to actually get off the sofa to check in between the cushions. But trust me, sofas, couches, loveseats, recliners, all furniture eats your shit, man. How do I know this? Uh, because I saw it happen on The Big Comfy Couch, man! Like, that thing was voracious, eating anything and everything. So beware, and don't get eaten yourself.
April 29, 2018
POETRY CORNER For April 29
Hazmat Night
The night is dark
The house it creaks
I walk in stark
As that damn faucet leaks
Ouch, that hurt
Damnit, that was my foot
Hope that's yogurt
Crap, almost fell into the nook
Wildly flail my arms
First nothing but air
Oh, there are the alarms
Hope the neighbors don't care
Something is a miss
When the house is a mess
And taking a simple piss
Requires gazelle dexterity and quickness
April 28, 2018
RANDOM HEADLINES For April 28
Trump To Ask Giuliani To Prom
City To Install Gun Turrets On Street Lights
Blind Deaf Man Continues Fight For Gun Ownership
Students Decree Every Day A Walkout Protest Day
Republicans Struggle Putting Poor On Endangered Species List
Trump Wants To Replace School Cafeterias With McDonalds
City To Install Gun Turrets On Street Lights
Blind Deaf Man Continues Fight For Gun Ownership
Students Decree Every Day A Walkout Protest Day
Republicans Struggle Putting Poor On Endangered Species List
Trump Wants To Replace School Cafeterias With McDonalds
April 27, 2018
RANDOM THOUGHTS: Exiled To Kokomo
I kind of want to throw rotten food at people and yell "Spoilers!"
So, is that plant Harvey Weinstein ejaculated into going to sue him too, or what?
Donald Trump already gave Melania infinite birthday presents when he married her: access to his money and the promise not to grab her by the pussy like he does his whores.
The most creative title they could come up with was Deadpool 2? How about DP: The Ass Reckoning?
It's going to be such a goddamn slog, the elections of 2018 and 2020, I wonder if the whole experience of them will finally put the United States off this whole democracy thing. (If you're of a certain age group, you would've found that statement to be the most blatantly offensive thing you've read in some time.)
Bill Cosby is still America's dad. There are a lot of Americans with dads in prison. Black ones, too. Lots of those. Apparently Cosby is needed to fill a black rapist quota at a prison or something, must be because the white rapists have a higher turnover and get paroled out faster. (Those of you of a certain age, ethnicity, and/or gender will have found those previous statements the most offensive ones you've read in some time.)
Yes, I can be an offensive asshole. But I wasn't the one to piss on the corpse of Barbara Bush before she was even in the ground. That was an "intelligent and educated, liberal-minded, female college professor." No, my anger is not about her being a woman, or a liberal, or in a useless profession. It has to do with this c*nt not having the fucking common decency to wait the customary three to seven days before unleashing such vitriol on a dead person who hasn't raped or murdered anyone or gotten away with those or any other crimes. Don't get me wrong, racism is bad, but I think Barbara Bush not murdering or raping anyone during her time on Earth earns her at least three days of resting in peace before you start spewing similar hatred towards her corpse that you accuse of her having while alive. Though, I do applaud her testicular fortitude with the response of fuck you, I can't get fired, I'm tenured. Yup. She didn't even get slapped on the wrist. No wonder the Republicans want to dissect and disembowel the funding for public universities. Whatever, sorry for the rant. Let's just say, I'm all for freedom of speech, but unlike this bitch, I at least have a little more respect for the dead. And no, I'm not going to name her because her name is foreign and hard to spell and I didn't want to have to retype or copy and paste so many fucking times. And yes, I just went there with the foreign comment. Bring it, bitch! Unlike Mrs. Bush's corpse, I can fight back.
So, is that plant Harvey Weinstein ejaculated into going to sue him too, or what?
Donald Trump already gave Melania infinite birthday presents when he married her: access to his money and the promise not to grab her by the pussy like he does his whores.
The most creative title they could come up with was Deadpool 2? How about DP: The Ass Reckoning?
It's going to be such a goddamn slog, the elections of 2018 and 2020, I wonder if the whole experience of them will finally put the United States off this whole democracy thing. (If you're of a certain age group, you would've found that statement to be the most blatantly offensive thing you've read in some time.)
Bill Cosby is still America's dad. There are a lot of Americans with dads in prison. Black ones, too. Lots of those. Apparently Cosby is needed to fill a black rapist quota at a prison or something, must be because the white rapists have a higher turnover and get paroled out faster. (Those of you of a certain age, ethnicity, and/or gender will have found those previous statements the most offensive ones you've read in some time.)
Yes, I can be an offensive asshole. But I wasn't the one to piss on the corpse of Barbara Bush before she was even in the ground. That was an "intelligent and educated, liberal-minded, female college professor." No, my anger is not about her being a woman, or a liberal, or in a useless profession. It has to do with this c*nt not having the fucking common decency to wait the customary three to seven days before unleashing such vitriol on a dead person who hasn't raped or murdered anyone or gotten away with those or any other crimes. Don't get me wrong, racism is bad, but I think Barbara Bush not murdering or raping anyone during her time on Earth earns her at least three days of resting in peace before you start spewing similar hatred towards her corpse that you accuse of her having while alive. Though, I do applaud her testicular fortitude with the response of fuck you, I can't get fired, I'm tenured. Yup. She didn't even get slapped on the wrist. No wonder the Republicans want to dissect and disembowel the funding for public universities. Whatever, sorry for the rant. Let's just say, I'm all for freedom of speech, but unlike this bitch, I at least have a little more respect for the dead. And no, I'm not going to name her because her name is foreign and hard to spell and I didn't want to have to retype or copy and paste so many fucking times. And yes, I just went there with the foreign comment. Bring it, bitch! Unlike Mrs. Bush's corpse, I can fight back.
Offensive Name Alliteration
"So, how was work?"
"Slow, so ended up reading too much news and getting pissed off."
"Did you get any work done?"
"Sort of."
Multiply scenario three times a week for several months and here we are.
Al Franken was caught publicly monkey spankin'.
Rush Limbaugh shoved a cock in his gaping maw.
Sean Hannity won't allow his gay partner to use profanity.
Alex Jones sticks out his ass to take many bones.
Jim Carrey molested a transvestite who's real name is Larry.
Donald Trump gives it to Ivanka in her "absolutely tremendous" rump.
Nancy Pelosi said about prosecuting child rape, "Oh, we'll see. Eventually."
Robert Mueller says rainbow is his favorite color.
Kellyanne Conway can't wash her cunt stench away.
Roger Ailes dumped his semen in random fishermen's pails.
Paul Ryan accidentally fucked a horse, now he's cryin'.
Mitch McConnell bought a turkey to rape from Old MacDonald.
Hillary Clinton murdered Vince Foster and stuffed him in a mitten.
Steven Bannon calls his itty bitty weenie the Master's Canon.
Rachel Maddow gave sloppy anilingus to a newborn cow.
Roseanne ate a baby and tossed it bones into a garbage can.
Barack Obama was fingering the butthole of his mama.
Laura Ingraham's penis makes her always mistaken for a him.
James Comey hangs out at bus stops, asking strange men "Hey, would ya blow me?"
Elizabeth Warren molests the children who are foreign.
Joe Biden loves him some bareback ridin'.
Sean Spicer orgasms with his dick in a slicer.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders wouldn't even get fucked by Ned Flanders.
Scott Pruitt hasn't seen a hole where he hasn't tried to screw it.
John McCain relives Vietnam by getting his ass plowed in the rain.
Bob Corker will only fuck her if she's a porker.
Chuck Schumer once sexually assaulted a woman's breast cancer tumor.
"Slow, so ended up reading too much news and getting pissed off."
"Did you get any work done?"
"Sort of."
Multiply scenario three times a week for several months and here we are.
Al Franken was caught publicly monkey spankin'.
Rush Limbaugh shoved a cock in his gaping maw.
Sean Hannity won't allow his gay partner to use profanity.
Alex Jones sticks out his ass to take many bones.
Jim Carrey molested a transvestite who's real name is Larry.
Donald Trump gives it to Ivanka in her "absolutely tremendous" rump.
Nancy Pelosi said about prosecuting child rape, "Oh, we'll see. Eventually."
Robert Mueller says rainbow is his favorite color.
Kellyanne Conway can't wash her cunt stench away.
Roger Ailes dumped his semen in random fishermen's pails.
Paul Ryan accidentally fucked a horse, now he's cryin'.
Mitch McConnell bought a turkey to rape from Old MacDonald.
Hillary Clinton murdered Vince Foster and stuffed him in a mitten.
Steven Bannon calls his itty bitty weenie the Master's Canon.
Rachel Maddow gave sloppy anilingus to a newborn cow.
Roseanne ate a baby and tossed it bones into a garbage can.
Barack Obama was fingering the butthole of his mama.
Laura Ingraham's penis makes her always mistaken for a him.
James Comey hangs out at bus stops, asking strange men "Hey, would ya blow me?"
Elizabeth Warren molests the children who are foreign.
Joe Biden loves him some bareback ridin'.
Sean Spicer orgasms with his dick in a slicer.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders wouldn't even get fucked by Ned Flanders.
Scott Pruitt hasn't seen a hole where he hasn't tried to screw it.
John McCain relives Vietnam by getting his ass plowed in the rain.
Bob Corker will only fuck her if she's a porker.
Chuck Schumer once sexually assaulted a woman's breast cancer tumor.
Meaty Thanks
Poor animal was smoked, chopped, and pressed to make this lunch meat. And it was probably done to the poor thing while it was still alive, too. Poor, delicious animal. Thank you for your sacrifice and know that you'll make a solid poop. Because I'm eating your protein, get it?
April 26, 2018
Drink Recipes
J. Juan Jameson
1 part good tequila
2 parts Jameson Irish Whisky
Dashes of: salt
pepper
cigar ash
Sip with an unhealthy hatred towards El Hombre Araña.
Grand Admiral Thrawn
2 parts good vodka
3 parts blue curacao
2 maraschino cherries
1 black drink umbrella
Best enjoyed when contemplating the entrapment and destruction of your enemies.
The Cowardly Lion
1 part Everclear
1 part cat and/or human urine acquired through fear
Dash of cat hair
Enjoy while watching your favorite horror movie.
1 part good tequila
2 parts Jameson Irish Whisky
Dashes of: salt
pepper
cigar ash
Sip with an unhealthy hatred towards El Hombre Araña.
Grand Admiral Thrawn
2 parts good vodka
3 parts blue curacao
2 maraschino cherries
1 black drink umbrella
Best enjoyed when contemplating the entrapment and destruction of your enemies.
The Cowardly Lion
1 part Everclear
1 part cat and/or human urine acquired through fear
Dash of cat hair
Enjoy while watching your favorite horror movie.
Prom Themes Which Will Never Be Used
It's prom season again, which means all the girls in your class are going to pick out some lame, generic theme which you have no say in because you have testicles. Oops, sorry. Projecting a bit there. Anyways, here are some prom themes which will never be used despite how hard Danny tried.
Reproductive System Regalia
Nights Of Japanese Internment
Holocaust Nights
St. Valentine's Day Massacre
Communism Under The Stars
Segregation Celebration
Hollywood Harassment
Bin Laden Under The Sea
Serial Killer Carnival
A Royal Rumble
Dr. Leary's LSD Trip
A Night In WWI Trenches
A Star Wars Holiday Special
Night Of A Thousand Cuts
Dumpster Baby Ball
The Killing Joke
Room 101: A Night In Miniluv
Reproductive System Regalia
Nights Of Japanese Internment
Holocaust Nights
St. Valentine's Day Massacre
Communism Under The Stars
Segregation Celebration
Hollywood Harassment
Bin Laden Under The Sea
Serial Killer Carnival
A Royal Rumble
Dr. Leary's LSD Trip
A Night In WWI Trenches
A Star Wars Holiday Special
Night Of A Thousand Cuts
Dumpster Baby Ball
The Killing Joke
Room 101: A Night In Miniluv
Michael Cohen's Other Secret Clients
Sean Hannity isn't Michael Cohen's only secret client, I mean, you can't be strutting your stuff around NYC smoking stogies if you only have a client list of three douchebags. That's why there has to be more. So, after some extremely non-tense, low-depth investigating, we've found others who are also on Cohen's secret client list.
Kermit The Frog
Cohen is representing him in his divorce with Miss Piggy. Kermit told The Washington Post Miss Piggy started it by hiring Gloria Allred.
Kevin Spacey
He actually approached Spacey first as he figured representing a worse President than Trump would be a good public relations move on behalf of the Donald.
Thanos
What, you think Thanos was going to bother invading Earth without getting a lawyer first? Ha! Rule 42 To Defeating The Avengers: if kicking their asses doesn't work, drag those asses into court for years on end by filing numerous frivolous lawsuits.
Kermit The Frog
Cohen is representing him in his divorce with Miss Piggy. Kermit told The Washington Post Miss Piggy started it by hiring Gloria Allred.
Kevin Spacey
He actually approached Spacey first as he figured representing a worse President than Trump would be a good public relations move on behalf of the Donald.
Thanos
What, you think Thanos was going to bother invading Earth without getting a lawyer first? Ha! Rule 42 To Defeating The Avengers: if kicking their asses doesn't work, drag those asses into court for years on end by filing numerous frivolous lawsuits.
OVERHEARD: Too Sexy For This Shirt
"You're doing it wrong. It says Push."
"No, it says Pull."
"No, that means to pull your dick out if you're stupid enough to stick it in there."
"Ugh, I bought candy without understanding the concept of it and turns out, I don' t like its concept."
"I had a similar experience. Except it was with a hooker."
"So, if the pig is slaughtered amongst a group of black people, does that make it Black Forest Ham?"
"You're thinking anal retentive. Anal retention is why Metamucil exists."
"Please, sir, you're too fat to be backing up like that. You might run someone over. Think of the children who'd die in your blubbery fat rolls, for Chrissakes!"
"I'm voting for Harry Dill-Doe."
"What happened to voting for Dick Zucker?"
"Not since he was involved in that whole A. Nall & Associates controversy."
"No, it says Pull."
"No, that means to pull your dick out if you're stupid enough to stick it in there."
"Ugh, I bought candy without understanding the concept of it and turns out, I don' t like its concept."
"I had a similar experience. Except it was with a hooker."
"So, if the pig is slaughtered amongst a group of black people, does that make it Black Forest Ham?"
"You're thinking anal retentive. Anal retention is why Metamucil exists."
"Please, sir, you're too fat to be backing up like that. You might run someone over. Think of the children who'd die in your blubbery fat rolls, for Chrissakes!"
"I'm voting for Harry Dill-Doe."
"What happened to voting for Dick Zucker?"
"Not since he was involved in that whole A. Nall & Associates controversy."
RANDOM HEADLINES For April 26
Powerless Puerto Rico Feels Like Trump Tenant
R Kelly's Is Rated Top Celebrity Sex Cult, NXIVM Second
Drunk, Nudist Couple Chased Around Casino
California Now Too Liberal For East Coast Liberals
Broadway Producer Can't Remember If Tonys Happened
Even Catholics Willing To Advocate Abortions If Means Less Future Politicians
New Royal Baby Already Booked For Commonwealth Tour
Nutella Surpasses Peanut Butter As Perverts Choice Of Testicle Paste
April 25, 2018
Where Netflix Gets The Billions
Netflix may soon surpass Disney when it comes to company value. But how did they get this way? Where the hell did they get the billions to piss away on mediocre original content and licensing movies not even good enough for the bargain bin? Well, we here at One World Under Dog did our due diligence in a writer's room and came up with these sources of capital which Netflix has been using.
Oligarchs from Russia
As far we know, they don't have pee pee tapes of Reed Hastings or Ted Sarandos.
Illegal accounts Wells Fargo set up for unwitting customers
Wait, you didn't know you had a mortgage account paying for 200 Netflix subscriptions?
Michael Cohen's personal equity lines
Ended up being for $130k less than originally agreed to, but that agreement was made six months before the 2016 election and Storms happen, man.
Tax cuts for not paying taxes
Where the hell do you think the Republicans got their 2017 tax cut plan, actual economists?
Their own Pizzagate operation
Like the Democratic leadership, Netflix realized child sex trafficking was more lucrative than just regular people sex trafficking and smuggling.
Selling lemonade at a roadside stand
Ha! Fake news! Everyone knows the local government would tax (steal) that money from them like they do to the little kids.
Oligarchs from Russia
As far we know, they don't have pee pee tapes of Reed Hastings or Ted Sarandos.
Illegal accounts Wells Fargo set up for unwitting customers
Wait, you didn't know you had a mortgage account paying for 200 Netflix subscriptions?
Michael Cohen's personal equity lines
Ended up being for $130k less than originally agreed to, but that agreement was made six months before the 2016 election and Storms happen, man.
Tax cuts for not paying taxes
Where the hell do you think the Republicans got their 2017 tax cut plan, actual economists?
Their own Pizzagate operation
Like the Democratic leadership, Netflix realized child sex trafficking was more lucrative than just regular people sex trafficking and smuggling.
Selling lemonade at a roadside stand
Ha! Fake news! Everyone knows the local government would tax (steal) that money from them like they do to the little kids.
RANDOM THOUGHTS: Here Again We Are
Has anyone ever been beaten to death with raw meat?
Do you think pencil-necked people have penises and clitorises as hard as graphite?
Yeah, give me enough money and I too would have no problem going on national television to proclaim I have some sick, disgusting disease and that you should call your doctor to ask about this specific medication because it's keeping the sick, disgusting disease at bay for me.
Tinsel seems like a good fiber substitute for the busy holiday season.
I really want to rush into a health club shouting "Stop the presses!"
Really? Your kid had the choice of any instrument and he chose bassoon? Might want to trade in for a new kid if you can't trade in for a clarinet. Why a clarinet? Well, because chicks dick a guy who plays a clarinet, makes him look all sensitive and shit. And if the kid ends up being gay, well, boom, clarinet.
Do you think pencil-necked people have penises and clitorises as hard as graphite?
Yeah, give me enough money and I too would have no problem going on national television to proclaim I have some sick, disgusting disease and that you should call your doctor to ask about this specific medication because it's keeping the sick, disgusting disease at bay for me.
Tinsel seems like a good fiber substitute for the busy holiday season.
I really want to rush into a health club shouting "Stop the presses!"
Really? Your kid had the choice of any instrument and he chose bassoon? Might want to trade in for a new kid if you can't trade in for a clarinet. Why a clarinet? Well, because chicks dick a guy who plays a clarinet, makes him look all sensitive and shit. And if the kid ends up being gay, well, boom, clarinet.
Pizza Rant
Are you kidding me? This isn't pizza. It's a grease pie. Oh, don't give me that shit. Take off the tomato sauce and that's what you get. Fucking disgusting. Especially considering you fucking substituted it with alfredo sauce! Shit is basically cheese sauce, man. Plus, pizza's already got cheese on it, now you're just doubling the cheese and turning it into one big fucking pile of cheese grease! Oh, and I have mentioned I'm lactose intolerant, right? Can't fucking stand that amount of cheese grease without it being cut with the acidity of the tomato sauce, which by the way also gives the damn thing more flavor. Because I can't even goddamn tell if they even bothered to put alfredo sauce on the damn thing it's so bland. But wait, there's more. Let's order it with sausage and pepperoni. Oh, the cheese grease wasn't enough for you? How about meat grease? Leave it to ground flesh, organs, and fat to leak like a damn building in Venice. There ended up being enough grease on that dough slice to oil up the entire WWE locker room circa 1988. Seriously, Hulk Hogan could slap his fucking name on it, brother, and sell it as Hulkmania Hot Massage Oil. The only massage oil to use when you're screwing your friend's wife while saying racist shit. Fuck! Why am I not bottling this disgusting combo of cheese and meat grease and selling it to chronic masturbators? Shut up, Larry! First lesson in business is to not use your own product. But seriously, anyone have a towel? I mean, I feel like I need to shower, but got to wipe myself down first because this very well might be too much grease for the water pressure on that shower head, man. One more thing before I go soak, dude -- if you ever, and I mean ever, fucking order this "pizza" again, I am going to use the grease from it as lube to shove multiple things concurrently up your ass out of vengeance.
POETRY CORNER For April 25
Rain, rain
Go away
Come again
Next Friday
When that prick Gary is having his outdoor barbecue party. God, I hate that guy!
April 24, 2018
Things Discovered By Amazon While Delivering To Vehicles
Amazon's new thing now is to deliver your packages to your car. America's response was, "I have no problem giving your company key access to my vehicle -- as long as the delivery person is a WASP." This got us thinking though, if you're giving Amazon access to your vehicle's storage, what else might the poor, hapless, stupidly white delivery person find in people's vehicles?
Jimmy Hoffa's corpse
Sean Hannity's dignity
Opioid prescriptions actually in Prince's name
The Amber Room
Hillary Clinton's remorse
Hugh Hefner's leftover Viagra pills, all two tons of them
Donald Trump's tax returns
Tiger Woods' athletic ability and talent
American beliefs and values drenched in human fecal matter
Jimmy Hoffa's corpse
Sean Hannity's dignity
Opioid prescriptions actually in Prince's name
The Amber Room
Hillary Clinton's remorse
Hugh Hefner's leftover Viagra pills, all two tons of them
Donald Trump's tax returns
Tiger Woods' athletic ability and talent
American beliefs and values drenched in human fecal matter
OVERHEARD: Dropping Those Eaves
"He ain't bein' clear, yer honor. He referrin' ta crimi'l graftin' or horticultural graftin'?"
"Hammer time is tool time, but tool time isn't always hammer time."
"Does this have to do with stupid pop culture references?"
"Nope, sex."
"That's obviously a penis, Gary."
"No, it's an alligator drawn from above."
"Fuck you, Gary. You can't draw."
"Yes, we want to raise our child gender neutral, so we're practicing on the puppy we just got."
"Time to reboot boy bands!"
"We should get to manufacturing some immediately!"
"But we should probably go with a manager this time who doesn't diddle the boys."
"My thoughts exactly."
"Fuck you, Charlie Brown. There's no such thing as 'good' grief."
"Hammer time is tool time, but tool time isn't always hammer time."
"Does this have to do with stupid pop culture references?"
"Nope, sex."
"That's obviously a penis, Gary."
"No, it's an alligator drawn from above."
"Fuck you, Gary. You can't draw."
"Yes, we want to raise our child gender neutral, so we're practicing on the puppy we just got."
"Time to reboot boy bands!"
"We should get to manufacturing some immediately!"
"But we should probably go with a manager this time who doesn't diddle the boys."
"My thoughts exactly."
"Fuck you, Charlie Brown. There's no such thing as 'good' grief."
Insults Of The Month
"Go eat a Tide Pod!"
"You're not even worth firing over Twitter."
"Someone's looking to get Bill Cosby-ed!"
"Don't make me cheat on you with a B-list pornstar."
"The writers should have killed you off in season one."
"You're so pathetic, not even Facebook wants your personal data."
"I hope a bunch of angry white guys vote to take your rights away."
"You're not even worth firing over Twitter."
"Someone's looking to get Bill Cosby-ed!"
"Don't make me cheat on you with a B-list pornstar."
"The writers should have killed you off in season one."
"You're so pathetic, not even Facebook wants your personal data."
"I hope a bunch of angry white guys vote to take your rights away."
RANDOM HEADLINES For April 24
Jolly Green Giant Faces #MeToo Accusations
Blue Moon Changes Logo To Naked Smurf Butt
Pre-school Gang Activity On Rise Nationwide
Entire CNN Viewership Fits Into Area Size Of Vermont
Area Man Jumps Shovel, Reminisces Of Past Track Glory
Hollywood's Cauliflower Anal Cleanse Obsession
Blue Moon Changes Logo To Naked Smurf Butt
Pre-school Gang Activity On Rise Nationwide
Entire CNN Viewership Fits Into Area Size Of Vermont
Area Man Jumps Shovel, Reminisces Of Past Track Glory
Hollywood's Cauliflower Anal Cleanse Obsession
April 23, 2018
Meanwhile
But I got you, babe.
Oh, wait, now I don't.
Move ten inches to the right,
And I got you, babe.
Oh, shit, now I don't.
And you're falling fast.
I don't got you, babe.
Babe, you're going splat.
Oh, wait, now I don't.
Move ten inches to the right,
And I got you, babe.
Oh, shit, now I don't.
And you're falling fast.
I don't got you, babe.
Babe, you're going splat.
So You Gave A Clown A Cookie...
Pfft, you think giving a mouse a cookie leads to trouble, don't ever give a clown a cookie. Because if you do so, he'll then ask for a knife, then a sword, then a pistol, then an assault rifle, then a bazooka, a red balloon, and finally directions to the nearest playground. And it isn't until he's left that you realize all the weaponry was registered in your name. So, you're forced to flee the state of Maine forever. And on the way out of town, your van accidentally runs into a bespectacled man walking down the road. And of course he's not hopped on cocaine this time, so he feels your stupid van crush his legs and sues. You're taken to court and totally fucked even though the whole thing was your van's fault and even then, it's all because you gave a goddamn clown a cookie. Way to go.
New To LaserDiscus
Here are some new and interesting titles coming out soon on LaserDisc you should check out at your local Hollywood Video:
Earwax (1972)
A heartwarming family tale about a deaf single parent who becomes a better person after finally undergoing an operation to clear excessive earwax buildup. Starring some people who haven't gotten use out of their SAG memberships since this film was made, and directed by some schmuck who couldn't even cut it working for Roger Corman.
Where The Rock May Fall (346 B.C.)
Watch in thrilling anticipation as two Ancient Greek philosophers drunk on wine vigorously debate where a rock perched on a ledge will fall. Contains stunning cinematography and award-winning performances Aeschylus called "only mildly disappointing" when compared to his work.
Pluto Nash 2: The Dumbening (2015)
Eddie Murphy returns for a sequel no one saw to a movie no one saw because he needs the money, like really badly, you guys. You don't know how expensive house upkeep in Beverly Hills is when you have a pool in the backyard, man. Besides, this is like the most laugh out-loud sequel to one of Eddie's most laugh out-loud movies! Or am I thinking of the Nutty Professor movies?
Earwax (1972)
A heartwarming family tale about a deaf single parent who becomes a better person after finally undergoing an operation to clear excessive earwax buildup. Starring some people who haven't gotten use out of their SAG memberships since this film was made, and directed by some schmuck who couldn't even cut it working for Roger Corman.
Where The Rock May Fall (346 B.C.)
Watch in thrilling anticipation as two Ancient Greek philosophers drunk on wine vigorously debate where a rock perched on a ledge will fall. Contains stunning cinematography and award-winning performances Aeschylus called "only mildly disappointing" when compared to his work.
Pluto Nash 2: The Dumbening (2015)
Eddie Murphy returns for a sequel no one saw to a movie no one saw because he needs the money, like really badly, you guys. You don't know how expensive house upkeep in Beverly Hills is when you have a pool in the backyard, man. Besides, this is like the most laugh out-loud sequel to one of Eddie's most laugh out-loud movies! Or am I thinking of the Nutty Professor movies?
POETRY CORNER For April 23
Here's shit in your eye
Oh, poor baby don't cry
Just drink this poisoned rye
So I can watch you die
And at your funeral
Say how you weren't a bad guy
History Of Horsey Sauce
It is a little known fact that Arby's Horsey Sauce was invented in 1627 by a Mongolian shepherd as a sauce for grilled horse. Unfortunately, it wasn't well received among the Mongol tribes, and thus the recipe lay dormant for centuries until discovered in the early 1930's by the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe who were in the region looking for evidence of the Aryan master race. The recipe then found its way into the hands of a Wehrmacht officer who was killed in battle by the founder of Arby's, Sir Reginald Albatross Arby IV. Sir Reginald first attempted to use the sauce as a substitute for mint jelly at Easter dinner. However, it didn't catch on. So, at the next Sunday dinner, Sir Reginald's wife served the sauce with roast beef and a legend was born.
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