TO: All Imperial Staff; Viper 43 Outpost
FROM: Cmdr. Galen Hartwhig; Personal Secretary, Office Of Adm. Bevitz
RE: 3rd Floor Men's Bathroom
CC: Adm. Bevitz; Vice Adm. Piett; Moff Yturi
ATTENTION:
This announcement is to inform all Imperial staff and military personnel that the men's bathroom on the 3rd floor was declared off limits due to repairs, yet upon inspection this morning it was found to have been disturbed by an obvious intruder as some sort of hair was all over the place, along with ammunition cartridges for a Blas-Tech pistol, a black boot, and piece of blue velvet.
If you or anyone you know has any information or knowledge regarding the identity of the intruders, you are hereby ordered to immediately inform your commanding officer who will inform Admiral Bevitz's Office to set up an interview.
As per Imperial Military Regulations, Article 2, Section 3, Paragraphs 2-26, the contents of this memo and any information, regarding or pertaining to it or its contents contained therein, is classified and any dissemination of this information will result in termination of, up to and including, life.
Cmdr. Galen Hartwhig
May 16, 2018
May 15, 2018
Things More Reliable Than A Toyota
Feel free to insert whichever auto manufacturer you hate instead of Toyota. They're all horrible, save for your personal preference. Either way, the following are highly more reliable than whichever piece of shit brand vehicle you've chosen.
Family members utterly disappointing you
Clothing and shoes from Walmart
Finding fecal matter in any and all swimming pools
Pubescent boys finding porn.
Hulk Hogan not losing in the squared circle.
R. Kelly using one of his alleged female sex slaves as a urinal.
Family members utterly disappointing you
Clothing and shoes from Walmart
Finding fecal matter in any and all swimming pools
Pubescent boys finding porn.
Hulk Hogan not losing in the squared circle.
R. Kelly using one of his alleged female sex slaves as a urinal.
May 14, 2018
POETRY CORNER For May 14
Another Weeknight
Orange and square
Pants say "Hey dair!"
Citrus magic sweets on fire
Unicycle needs a new tire
The beer is gone
And the heat is on
Skunky and drunky
Damn, he's lucky
Burnt cigar nub lies
In circles the tortilla flies
Can't feel the jingle
The antacids do tingle
The weed is gone
And the heat is on
Time droops really long
Passed out on the lawn
Orange and square
Pants say "Hey dair!"
Citrus magic sweets on fire
Unicycle needs a new tire
The beer is gone
And the heat is on
Skunky and drunky
Damn, he's lucky
Burnt cigar nub lies
In circles the tortilla flies
Can't feel the jingle
The antacids do tingle
The weed is gone
And the heat is on
Time droops really long
Passed out on the lawn
May 9, 2018
Milking Rats
Was told to eat rat jizz the other day. I suppose it was given as an insult, but personally, I'm confused. 1) How the hell do you "eat" rat jizz? I mean, I can imagine drinking it, but eating it? Does rat jizz have chunks which need chewing that I don't know about? 2) How many rats would one need to jerk off in order for me to have enough rat jizz to eat? Of course, I don't know too many people willing to pleasure a rat to orgasm, even if using a tweezers, so the amount needed for me to actually "eat" it is astronomical. And who has the time in our busy modern world to spend effort getting rats to jizz so I can eat it?
Also, I would like to point out this person, in his insult, did not specify if the "eating" of the rat jizz was forced or voluntary. Because I doubt I will ever "eat" rat jizz on a voluntary basis. I'll pick poop boogers out of my infant nephew's ass on a voluntary basis for I'll eat rat jizz on a voluntary one. What? You don't know what poop boogers are? Well, I'd explain, but there's a good chance you could be eating, and I don't want to get sued for you choking on your food as you try and expel it out of disgust at the description of a poop booger. And something tells me, bringing up the whole eating rat jizz thing has already gotten you grossed out.
I guess next time someone tells me to go eat rat jizz, I'll at least put in the effort into inquiring the details and logistics as to how said feat is to be accomplished. Because I sure as hell ain't going to be buying people tickets to New York City just so they can go male rat milking. Oh, God. Someone in NYC is going to turn this into a legitimate business enterprise now, aren't they?
Also, I would like to point out this person, in his insult, did not specify if the "eating" of the rat jizz was forced or voluntary. Because I doubt I will ever "eat" rat jizz on a voluntary basis. I'll pick poop boogers out of my infant nephew's ass on a voluntary basis for I'll eat rat jizz on a voluntary one. What? You don't know what poop boogers are? Well, I'd explain, but there's a good chance you could be eating, and I don't want to get sued for you choking on your food as you try and expel it out of disgust at the description of a poop booger. And something tells me, bringing up the whole eating rat jizz thing has already gotten you grossed out.
I guess next time someone tells me to go eat rat jizz, I'll at least put in the effort into inquiring the details and logistics as to how said feat is to be accomplished. Because I sure as hell ain't going to be buying people tickets to New York City just so they can go male rat milking. Oh, God. Someone in NYC is going to turn this into a legitimate business enterprise now, aren't they?
POETRY CORNER For May 9
Your lies tear me apart
Do you have no heart?
I just wanted to believe
And even perhaps achieve
But you lied, I cried
And now here we are
Fuck you, commercial
May 7, 2018
OVERHEARD: Public Idiots Edition
Just to be completely clear due to legal reasons, the following quotes were not said by those attributed. This is a comedy piece and if you can't understand that, I hope you kill yourself. And yes, all of this was written in anger, aiming low, as all these subjects listed are hypocrites who don't deserve life. And no, I won't apologize.
"I'll gladly call out David Letterman for something he didn't necessarily have control over, but I'm going to remain silent on the problems at the news division of the network I worked at and with for over a decade." -Tina Fey
"Well, now that's it been a decade, I think I can safely say choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate was a stupid choice and is the reason God gave me brain cancer." -John McCain
"Trump wants to make America Fascist, then fine! We'll make America Marxist even though we have no clue as to what his actual philosophies were because, like Republicans, we don't read before we start spewing shit from our mouths." -Democrats and Liberals
"What do you get when you glue fruit leather to over-inflated volleyballs and let Julian Assange fuck it? Your mother!" -Tommy Lee to his son Brandon
"Man, I think this whole lying for the President thing is really distracting people from how hideously ugly and fat I am." -Sarah Huckabee Sanders
"I'll gladly call out David Letterman for something he didn't necessarily have control over, but I'm going to remain silent on the problems at the news division of the network I worked at and with for over a decade." -Tina Fey
"Well, now that's it been a decade, I think I can safely say choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate was a stupid choice and is the reason God gave me brain cancer." -John McCain
"Trump wants to make America Fascist, then fine! We'll make America Marxist even though we have no clue as to what his actual philosophies were because, like Republicans, we don't read before we start spewing shit from our mouths." -Democrats and Liberals
"What do you get when you glue fruit leather to over-inflated volleyballs and let Julian Assange fuck it? Your mother!" -Tommy Lee to his son Brandon
"Man, I think this whole lying for the President thing is really distracting people from how hideously ugly and fat I am." -Sarah Huckabee Sanders
May 5, 2018
Mother's Day Gifts For Those Who Hate Their Mother
It's that time of year again. Mother's Day, or the time of year when those of us with mommy issues grumble under our breath in order to not get chastised. Being one of those persons, I decided to come up with a list of things someone who hates their mother would give. So, here are some free gift ideas, legalities of such ideas notwithstanding.
Scat Porn
Include a note about how you have more respect for the people getting shit on than for her or her existence as a human.
Dead Rabbit
She's your Bill The Butcher.
Cyanide Pills
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and she'll take the suggestion.
Parenting Books
It's technically never to late for her to learn!
Restraining Order
Seriously, what other document besides divorce papers can bring a family closer together?
Scat Porn
Include a note about how you have more respect for the people getting shit on than for her or her existence as a human.
Dead Rabbit
She's your Bill The Butcher.
Cyanide Pills
Hey, maybe you'll get lucky and she'll take the suggestion.
Parenting Books
It's technically never to late for her to learn!
Restraining Order
Seriously, what other document besides divorce papers can bring a family closer together?
May 4, 2018
RANDOM THOUGHTS: Tiny Dancer Hands
All these people singing about dancing in the street when I don't see no dancing in the street. I see a dead squirrel in the street, but no dancing. Dead squirrel certainly isn't dancing seeing as he's dead and all. I mean, who is dancing in the street? And seems like kind of a stupid thing to do. Especially when there's traffic. Unless, say, it's David Bowie and Mick Jagger shooting a really bad music video for the song they're covering. Then traffic would probably come to a standstill as everyone wonders when David and Mick began dating. If you think that joke was better than the one Family Guy did on the same subject, please send me money.
Think Bill Cosby will even get the luxury of being offered drugs to pass out before he's raped in prison? And why has no one brought up the possibility of Cosby's son getting murdered due to all the raping America's Dad had been doing? Like, why is that not a conspiracy yet? Geez, no wonder The X-Files relaunch bombed. Conspiracy theorists are being forced into nihilism and apathy as the tidal wave of bullshit craziness that is actual reality drowns them.
Fuck May 4th being Star Wars Day just because it's fucking punny. No, Star Wars Day was and shall forever be May 25th. Because it was on that date in 1977 a nerd from San Francisco unleashed the behemoth which almost literally killed him. The first May 4th which happened after Star Wars originally released was in 1978. And even then it hadn't been out a full year yet. Is my nitpicking annoying you, ruing your May The Fourth Be With You celebration? Good! Because today is Cinco de Cuatro, you stupid idiots.
Think Bill Cosby will even get the luxury of being offered drugs to pass out before he's raped in prison? And why has no one brought up the possibility of Cosby's son getting murdered due to all the raping America's Dad had been doing? Like, why is that not a conspiracy yet? Geez, no wonder The X-Files relaunch bombed. Conspiracy theorists are being forced into nihilism and apathy as the tidal wave of bullshit craziness that is actual reality drowns them.
Fuck May 4th being Star Wars Day just because it's fucking punny. No, Star Wars Day was and shall forever be May 25th. Because it was on that date in 1977 a nerd from San Francisco unleashed the behemoth which almost literally killed him. The first May 4th which happened after Star Wars originally released was in 1978. And even then it hadn't been out a full year yet. Is my nitpicking annoying you, ruing your May The Fourth Be With You celebration? Good! Because today is Cinco de Cuatro, you stupid idiots.
Summer Driving Tips
It's that time of year. We're on the cusp of summer, which means spending hours stuck in a cramped vehicle with people who are only tolerable in small doses, yet now here you are on a one-week "vacation" with them. So before you go out on the road this summer, here are some driving tips to keep in mind.
If you're going to run someone over, try and make sure it's an obese person as this makes it easier to convince the insurance company you just hit a large animal.
Braking with your left foot is a good way to fuck with the tailgater riding your ass.
When passing through a construction zone, refrain from sexually harassing the construction workers.
Litter on backroads, not highways.
The best time to practice defensive driving maneuvers is while traveling at eighty on the interstate.
If you don't have enough room for the kids, just stuff one into the trunk--in a car seat as safety comes first.
Only drive drunk if your passengers are 21 years of age or older.
Drive aggressive, but not too aggressive--I don't know, drive casually!
If you're going to run someone over, try and make sure it's an obese person as this makes it easier to convince the insurance company you just hit a large animal.
Braking with your left foot is a good way to fuck with the tailgater riding your ass.
When passing through a construction zone, refrain from sexually harassing the construction workers.
Litter on backroads, not highways.
The best time to practice defensive driving maneuvers is while traveling at eighty on the interstate.
If you don't have enough room for the kids, just stuff one into the trunk--in a car seat as safety comes first.
For the best fuel economy, remember to fill up every fifteen minutes.
And remember, in order to reach your destination sooner, that all traffic signs and signals are nothing more than mere suggestions and not actually codified law.
TV Shows Canceled This Month
This Is Pus
No one is quite sure how this series even got the green light, let alone managing to air twenty-six episodes over the span of two seasons. But hey, people are still willing to watch a Jersey Shore show after all these years, so it shouldn't be hard to imagine that there are people willing to watch zits and cysts getting popped. But, it is now canceled. So, at least America is only teetering on the brink of the apocalypse instead of being knee-deep in it.
The Drinking Hunger Games
While the concept was awesome--pitting a group of redneck red staters versus a group hipster douchebag blue staters with their only resources being booze and guns--the results ended up being murder charges, lawsuits, and charges CNN finally went too far.
Animal Farm Lovin'
It was neither a children's show nor an Orwellian allegory. Yup.
Digging For Gold
One man's desperate and emotional struggle to pick a booger lodged far up his nose didn't draw the ratings like the executives hoped. Probably didn't help matters when the writers dropped several subplots including ones about toenail clippings and extracting compacted earwax.
Naked Cooking: The Return
Canceled due to the hosts now being in the intensive care burn ward due to an incident following hot oil and exposed genitals. Still, there were high hopes for this sequel series to the late 90's Food Network hit. But alas, OSHA violations have prevented this from going beyond four episodes.
No one is quite sure how this series even got the green light, let alone managing to air twenty-six episodes over the span of two seasons. But hey, people are still willing to watch a Jersey Shore show after all these years, so it shouldn't be hard to imagine that there are people willing to watch zits and cysts getting popped. But, it is now canceled. So, at least America is only teetering on the brink of the apocalypse instead of being knee-deep in it.
The Drinking Hunger Games
While the concept was awesome--pitting a group of redneck red staters versus a group hipster douchebag blue staters with their only resources being booze and guns--the results ended up being murder charges, lawsuits, and charges CNN finally went too far.
Animal Farm Lovin'
It was neither a children's show nor an Orwellian allegory. Yup.
Digging For Gold
One man's desperate and emotional struggle to pick a booger lodged far up his nose didn't draw the ratings like the executives hoped. Probably didn't help matters when the writers dropped several subplots including ones about toenail clippings and extracting compacted earwax.
Naked Cooking: The Return
Canceled due to the hosts now being in the intensive care burn ward due to an incident following hot oil and exposed genitals. Still, there were high hopes for this sequel series to the late 90's Food Network hit. But alas, OSHA violations have prevented this from going beyond four episodes.
Things White People Confuse About Nefarious Groups Of Coloreds
Racial profiling has gotten a lot of attention recently, and while I'm not going to get into the argument of it, it has made me wonder, as an Asian, i.e. non-white, colored person, what exactly white people are seeing in groups of two or more colored people together that gives them the impression of nefariousness, causing the police to be called on innocent bystanders. So, did something the news media doesn't do anymore and did some investigating and interviewing. Here's what I found.
"Well, when black people gather in groups, it looks like a group of pumas assembling in the jungle, preparing to pounce and attack us poor white gazelles." - Jennifer, AZ
"Man, I don't care if two Chinese people get together. I'm just saying they should put down Mao's Little Red Book and be making me some kung pao chicken instead." - Robert, MA
"Oh, God, every time we see Native Americans together, we just assume they're plotting to kill us all and take back their land." - Clark and Melanie, NY
"No, I don't trust Jews or those Indians with the dots 'cause of all the cow-worshipping. Nuh-uh, the Jews did too worship a cow! It's in the Bible!" - Jim Bob, TN
"I just think it's time now that we've appropriated their food culture, we kick the Latinos out of the country. I'm confident a white woman from Connecticut can make a better burrito than a rapist and murderer." - Hillary, IA
"How do we know those Muslim sand people aren't carrying bombs under their turbans and veils when they're together in groups?" - Donald, WY
"Yeah, I'd be less likely to call the cops on Asians. They at least like white rice instead of brown rice." -Tammy, GA
So, the lesson learned from interviewing white people from both sides of the political aisle reveals the same holds true in 2018 as it does in 2008: white Americans won't call the police on you, and may even elect you President, as long as you're a half-breed colored person with at least 33.3% white ancestry.
"Well, when black people gather in groups, it looks like a group of pumas assembling in the jungle, preparing to pounce and attack us poor white gazelles." - Jennifer, AZ
"Man, I don't care if two Chinese people get together. I'm just saying they should put down Mao's Little Red Book and be making me some kung pao chicken instead." - Robert, MA
"Oh, God, every time we see Native Americans together, we just assume they're plotting to kill us all and take back their land." - Clark and Melanie, NY
"No, I don't trust Jews or those Indians with the dots 'cause of all the cow-worshipping. Nuh-uh, the Jews did too worship a cow! It's in the Bible!" - Jim Bob, TN
"I just think it's time now that we've appropriated their food culture, we kick the Latinos out of the country. I'm confident a white woman from Connecticut can make a better burrito than a rapist and murderer." - Hillary, IA
"How do we know those Muslim sand people aren't carrying bombs under their turbans and veils when they're together in groups?" - Donald, WY
"Yeah, I'd be less likely to call the cops on Asians. They at least like white rice instead of brown rice." -Tammy, GA
So, the lesson learned from interviewing white people from both sides of the political aisle reveals the same holds true in 2018 as it does in 2008: white Americans won't call the police on you, and may even elect you President, as long as you're a half-breed colored person with at least 33.3% white ancestry.
May 3, 2018
RANDOM HEADLINES For May 3
Kanye Proclaims He Would've Been The Slave Master
Dinner Is Served With Asparagus
Starbucks To Start Discrimination Against Other Races
Local Dealer Substitutes Cocaine With Antacids
Kenny G, Missing Since 1990's, Returns
GM, Ford, Chrysler Invest In All Plastic Sedans
Jack The Ripper Unprepared For Anniversary
Dinner Is Served With Asparagus
Starbucks To Start Discrimination Against Other Races
Local Dealer Substitutes Cocaine With Antacids
Kenny G, Missing Since 1990's, Returns
GM, Ford, Chrysler Invest In All Plastic Sedans
Jack The Ripper Unprepared For Anniversary
OVERHEARD: Telling Off The Mountain
"Make sure you buy some dip for that chip on your shoulder."
"I wish I could be Employee Of The Month. But I don't want to make all my coworkers feel worse about themselves for an entire month."
"That's noble of you."
"I know, right?"
"So, if Jack Daniels sponsors the team, will their name change to the Tennessee Whiskey Titans?"
"You haven't lived until you've been chased by rabid frogs."
"What the hell?"
"I'm grunting. All the top tennis coaches are now teaching proper grunting technique. How's mine?"
"You sound constipated."
"Sweet, I'll let my coach know I'm ready for level three."
"I wish I could be Employee Of The Month. But I don't want to make all my coworkers feel worse about themselves for an entire month."
"That's noble of you."
"I know, right?"
"So, if Jack Daniels sponsors the team, will their name change to the Tennessee Whiskey Titans?"
"You haven't lived until you've been chased by rabid frogs."
"What the hell?"
"I'm grunting. All the top tennis coaches are now teaching proper grunting technique. How's mine?"
"You sound constipated."
"Sweet, I'll let my coach know I'm ready for level three."
May 2, 2018
Downsides Of Being The Chosen One
Well, looks like some wise old, creepy man came out of the woodwork from Timbuktu and placed the idea in your head that you're the Chosen One. Okay, sure, we'll overlook the fact you were never chosen to play Red Rover in elementary school and just go with this. Now that you're the Chosen One who I'm assuming is going to save us all, there are some things you need to know before you embark on your quest to save whatever the fuck needs saving. Being the Chosen One ain't no easy, soft, tender piece of cake, bub. For example:
-- Every time you dine out with friends, you get stuck with the tab because heroes are supposed to also make monetary sacrifices.
-- Dumb little kids think you can drop what you're doing to save their pet or dying parent or whatever.
-- When you go on talk shows, you're always asked the question as to whether you might turn all evil and shit like Anakin Skywalker.
-- Your cherished mentor dies before updating his will and now you have to fight his bastard child for the right to keep your awesome sword.
-- Being the Chosen One is still not enough to get you free board even at a flea-infested, hourly-rate motel.
-- Your romantic love interest will probably leave you at some point after your success at whatever it was to win 'em over, so he or she can go and shack up with your best friend.
-- People will be grateful you saved their lives. They'll be less grateful for all the property damage it took to accomplish that goal.
-- You'll have to learn shit extremely fast, like kung fu, because the plot demands it.
-- People will always refer to your walking around as "questing."
-- And no, just because you're the Chosen One, doesn't mean anyone's going to be any more willing to wipe your butt for you.
-- Every time you dine out with friends, you get stuck with the tab because heroes are supposed to also make monetary sacrifices.
-- Dumb little kids think you can drop what you're doing to save their pet or dying parent or whatever.
-- When you go on talk shows, you're always asked the question as to whether you might turn all evil and shit like Anakin Skywalker.
-- Your cherished mentor dies before updating his will and now you have to fight his bastard child for the right to keep your awesome sword.
-- Being the Chosen One is still not enough to get you free board even at a flea-infested, hourly-rate motel.
-- Your romantic love interest will probably leave you at some point after your success at whatever it was to win 'em over, so he or she can go and shack up with your best friend.
-- People will be grateful you saved their lives. They'll be less grateful for all the property damage it took to accomplish that goal.
-- You'll have to learn shit extremely fast, like kung fu, because the plot demands it.
-- People will always refer to your walking around as "questing."
-- And no, just because you're the Chosen One, doesn't mean anyone's going to be any more willing to wipe your butt for you.
What Else Has Dr. Ronny Jackson Been Dispensing?
Government weed, claiming it is with Jeff Sessions' authorization
Pamphlets on eugenics
Illegal Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis prescriptions for members of Congress
Unauthorized White House branded condoms and lubricant
Falsely obtained "clean piss" for federal employees
Marlboro Reds for chest colds
Copies of Mein Kampf and The Art Of The Deal
Candy to diabetics due to kickbacks from the candy companies
Pamphlets on eugenics
Illegal Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis prescriptions for members of Congress
Unauthorized White House branded condoms and lubricant
Falsely obtained "clean piss" for federal employees
Marlboro Reds for chest colds
Copies of Mein Kampf and The Art Of The Deal
Candy to diabetics due to kickbacks from the candy companies
May 1, 2018
PUBLIC NOTICE 64
The Political Correctness Police have declared that the term "cotton pickin'" can no longer be said by anyone of any racial or ethnic background due to its racist connotation.
Also, due to offense taken by marijuana dealers nationwide, the term "nickel and dime" can no longer be used as it "gives the perception of ditch weed."
Also, due to offense taken by marijuana dealers nationwide, the term "nickel and dime" can no longer be used as it "gives the perception of ditch weed."
POETRY CORNER For May 1
Love solves all
Love answers all
"What's love got to do with it?"
Tina Turner knows her shit
Lesser Known Comic Books To Reach Issue 1000
Superman recently turned 80 along with his "flagship" comic book Action Comics reaching issue number 1000. Sure, there's some fuzzy math involved in how it reached that number, just like you need fuzzy math for Batman's Detective Comics to reach issue 1000 next year.
So, in honor of such momentous occasions--because let's face it, next time any of us currently living as this is being written ain't gonna be around to see such an event again, well, unless Marvel decides to get really cagey with issue numbering in one of their numerous relaunches--some digging was done and believe it or not, there are other comic books who managed to reach issue 1000.
Pumaman
Yes, based on the acclaimed action movie the guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 couldn't stop talking about. The people clamored for more Pumaman, and like fans of Buffy, had to settle for a comic book adaptation exploring Pumaman's further adventures. Only reason this comic book made it to issue 1000 is because people assumed it was some sort of multi-purpose, disposable wipe for dealing with pet poop.
Sgt. Marcus' Murderous Maniacs
What started as a cheap ripoff of Sgt. Fury And His Howling Commandos soon turned into a deep, dark, complex examination of the Vietnam War. Basically mix up Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Born On The Fourth Of July, Heaven And Earth, Apocalypse Now, and The Deer Hunter and you got what this comic turned into. So, not too kid friendly. Apparently old people loved it like Fox News though, which is why it reached issue 1000. Hippie, peace-loving, baby boomer readership dropped considerably after issue 485 when Sgt. Marcus and his men massacred some of natives in a controversial storyline.
Earthscape: Space Quest
No one quite knows how this comic book published so many issues with nonexistent plotlines, empty shells for characters, and artwork which looked like it had been produced by Kubert School rejects. Still, it had an audience for some reason like Nickelback or Adam Sandler's shitty movies. Most comic book historians just chalk it up to gluteus maximus cerebellus, i.e. having one's head up one's ass.
Tobacco Town
Ah, yes. The now controversial comic book sponsored by Lorillard Tobacco about a small American town which subsists on tobacco farming and who is constantly at odds with neighboring town, Zealotville, where anti-tobacco crazies attempt to crush Tobacco Town every chance they get. Yes, somehow this weird, metaphorical town rivalry ran a thousand issues due to being given away to kids with a free pack of cigarettes. A very Draper thing to do.
Whitechapel Horror Weekly
Originally started as a weekly update on the Jack The Ripper murders for the aristocrats, but eventually evolved into a macabre menagerie of mayhem even Bill Gaines would smile upon once the Ripper murders dried up. Jack may have moved on, but the publishers couldn't, not when one of them had sold off two and half of his children to help launch the enterprise. So, continue the Whitechapel Horror Weekly or starve. And it's when it received a reboot, now pandering to the lower classes and including more lewd comics and drawings, Whitechapel Horror Weekly's sales increased five fold. It remained popular for almost a hundred years. However, by the late 1970's, sales were in a tailspin and it was decided to ride it out until the hundredth anniversary of the Ripper murders. Well, the poor bastards didn't make it as they had to shut down after issue 1002. The last issue included a comic featuring Margaret Thatcher in compromising positions with dead farm animals and referring to her as Lady Hatchet.
So, in honor of such momentous occasions--because let's face it, next time any of us currently living as this is being written ain't gonna be around to see such an event again, well, unless Marvel decides to get really cagey with issue numbering in one of their numerous relaunches--some digging was done and believe it or not, there are other comic books who managed to reach issue 1000.
Pumaman
Yes, based on the acclaimed action movie the guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 couldn't stop talking about. The people clamored for more Pumaman, and like fans of Buffy, had to settle for a comic book adaptation exploring Pumaman's further adventures. Only reason this comic book made it to issue 1000 is because people assumed it was some sort of multi-purpose, disposable wipe for dealing with pet poop.
Sgt. Marcus' Murderous Maniacs
What started as a cheap ripoff of Sgt. Fury And His Howling Commandos soon turned into a deep, dark, complex examination of the Vietnam War. Basically mix up Full Metal Jacket, Platoon, Born On The Fourth Of July, Heaven And Earth, Apocalypse Now, and The Deer Hunter and you got what this comic turned into. So, not too kid friendly. Apparently old people loved it like Fox News though, which is why it reached issue 1000. Hippie, peace-loving, baby boomer readership dropped considerably after issue 485 when Sgt. Marcus and his men massacred some of natives in a controversial storyline.
Earthscape: Space Quest
No one quite knows how this comic book published so many issues with nonexistent plotlines, empty shells for characters, and artwork which looked like it had been produced by Kubert School rejects. Still, it had an audience for some reason like Nickelback or Adam Sandler's shitty movies. Most comic book historians just chalk it up to gluteus maximus cerebellus, i.e. having one's head up one's ass.
Tobacco Town
Ah, yes. The now controversial comic book sponsored by Lorillard Tobacco about a small American town which subsists on tobacco farming and who is constantly at odds with neighboring town, Zealotville, where anti-tobacco crazies attempt to crush Tobacco Town every chance they get. Yes, somehow this weird, metaphorical town rivalry ran a thousand issues due to being given away to kids with a free pack of cigarettes. A very Draper thing to do.
Whitechapel Horror Weekly
Originally started as a weekly update on the Jack The Ripper murders for the aristocrats, but eventually evolved into a macabre menagerie of mayhem even Bill Gaines would smile upon once the Ripper murders dried up. Jack may have moved on, but the publishers couldn't, not when one of them had sold off two and half of his children to help launch the enterprise. So, continue the Whitechapel Horror Weekly or starve. And it's when it received a reboot, now pandering to the lower classes and including more lewd comics and drawings, Whitechapel Horror Weekly's sales increased five fold. It remained popular for almost a hundred years. However, by the late 1970's, sales were in a tailspin and it was decided to ride it out until the hundredth anniversary of the Ripper murders. Well, the poor bastards didn't make it as they had to shut down after issue 1002. The last issue included a comic featuring Margaret Thatcher in compromising positions with dead farm animals and referring to her as Lady Hatchet.
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