MEMO DL-44BT: 3rd Floor Men's Bathroom

TO: All Imperial Staff; Viper 43 Outpost
FROM: Cmdr. Galen Hartwhig; Personal Secretary, Office Of Adm. Bevitz
RE: 3rd Floor Men's Bathroom
CC: Adm. Bevitz; Vice Adm. Piett; Moff Yturi

ATTENTION:
This announcement is to inform all Imperial staff and military personnel that the men's bathroom on the 3rd floor was declared off limits due to repairs, yet upon inspection this morning it was found to have been disturbed by an obvious intruder as some sort of hair was all over the place, along with ammunition cartridges for a Blas-Tech pistol, a black boot, and piece of blue velvet.

If you or anyone you know has any information or knowledge regarding the identity of the intruders, you are hereby ordered to immediately inform your commanding officer who will inform Admiral Bevitz's Office to set up an interview.

As per Imperial Military Regulations, Article 2, Section 3, Paragraphs 2-26, the contents of this memo and any information, regarding or pertaining to it or its contents contained therein, is classified and any dissemination of this information will result in termination of, up to and including, life.

Cmdr. Galen Hartwhig

Things More Reliable Than A Toyota

Feel free to insert whichever auto manufacturer you hate instead of Toyota. They're all horrible, save for your personal preference. Either way, the following are highly more reliable than whichever piece of shit brand vehicle you've chosen.


Family members utterly disappointing you

Clothing and shoes from Walmart

Finding fecal matter in any and all swimming pools

Pubescent boys finding porn.

Hulk Hogan not losing in the squared circle.

R. Kelly using one of his alleged female sex slaves as a urinal.

POETRY CORNER For May 14

Another Weeknight

Orange and square
Pants say "Hey dair!"
Citrus magic sweets on fire
Unicycle needs a new tire

The beer is gone
And the heat is on
Skunky and drunky
Damn, he's lucky

Burnt cigar nub lies
In circles the tortilla flies
Can't feel the jingle
The antacids do tingle

The weed is gone
And the heat is on
Time droops really long
Passed out on the lawn

Milking Rats

Was told to eat rat jizz the other day. I suppose it was given as an insult, but personally, I'm confused. 1) How the hell do you "eat" rat jizz? I mean, I can imagine drinking it, but eating it? Does rat jizz have chunks which need chewing that I don't know about? 2) How many rats would one need to jerk off in order for me to have enough rat jizz to eat? Of course, I don't know too many people willing to pleasure a rat to orgasm, even if using a tweezers, so the amount needed for me to actually "eat" it is astronomical. And who has the time in our busy modern world to spend effort getting rats to jizz so I can eat it?

Also, I would like to point out this person, in his insult, did not specify if the "eating" of the rat jizz was forced or voluntary. Because I doubt I will ever "eat" rat jizz on a voluntary basis. I'll pick poop boogers out of my infant nephew's ass on a voluntary basis for I'll eat rat jizz on a voluntary one. What? You don't know what poop boogers are? Well, I'd explain, but there's a good chance you could be eating, and I don't want to get sued for you choking on your food as you try and expel it out of disgust at the description of a poop booger. And something tells me, bringing up the whole eating rat jizz thing has already gotten you grossed out.

I guess next time someone tells me to go eat rat jizz, I'll at least put in the effort into inquiring the details and logistics as to how said feat is to be accomplished. Because I sure as hell ain't going to be buying people tickets to New York City just so they can go male rat milking. Oh, God. Someone in NYC is going to turn this into a legitimate business enterprise now, aren't they?

POETRY CORNER For May 9

Your lies tear me apart

Do you have no heart?

I just wanted to believe

And even perhaps achieve

But you lied, I cried

And now here we are

Fuck you, commercial

OVERHEARD: Public Idiots Edition

Just to be completely clear due to legal reasons, the following quotes were not said by those attributed. This is a comedy piece and if you can't understand that, I hope you kill yourself. And yes, all of this was written in anger, aiming low, as all these subjects listed are hypocrites who don't deserve life. And no, I won't apologize.


"I'll gladly call out David Letterman for something he didn't necessarily have control over, but I'm going to remain silent on the problems at the news division of the network I worked at and with for over a decade." -Tina Fey

"Well, now that's it been a decade, I think I can safely say choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate was a stupid choice and is the reason God gave me brain cancer." -John McCain

"Trump wants to make America Fascist, then fine! We'll make America Marxist even though we have no clue as to what his actual philosophies were because, like Republicans, we don't read before we start spewing shit from our mouths." -Democrats and Liberals

"What do you get when you glue fruit leather to over-inflated volleyballs and let Julian Assange fuck it? Your mother!" -Tommy Lee to his son Brandon

"Man, I think this whole lying for the President thing is really distracting people from how hideously ugly and fat I am." -Sarah Huckabee Sanders